The reason why I rebelled against my husband was because I wasn't the only one to him. I wasn't number one. I was second rate. Just there for his consumption, for his comfort. And with my present Other Woman status, things are quite the same. I am hanging on to a hope that finally I will be the only woman in someone's life.

Right now he moves slow. And it constantly hurts me. I need a man without any baggage. I have enough of my own to deal with. Is he really mature enough for me? Courageous enough? Strong enough? How can I entrust my future with him? Am I just too impatient? But I am hurting so deeply on a daily basis. I am so tired of crying because of the fact that he still loves her. What kind of comfort she gives him anyway? He only talks about leaving whenever they have a fight. And every time he talks about that to her and she starts acting frail and sweet he gets swayed so easily right away anyway. That he still cannot bear to start working on our future. Am I just too selfish? I wish I am. Just so I can bear this on my own and not demand for anything at all.

I want more than just mere promises.

Maybe I should stop seeing him. Whether he likes it or not. Maybe I should let him deal with his own life right now. And let him decide what he really wants. Well, he has decided already. He just cannot start moving already. Maybe it will help for us not to see each other for now, so we can see things clearly, so we can have motivation to hurry for the future so we can be together already.

I don't know... my boat is starting to sink...

"I love you. I will marry you." If only I could hold on to that right now. If only this can be possible. If only I am not in this present darkness forever wondering when I will see the light. If only he is not actually living under one roof with her, sleeping in the same bed. If only I haven't know how much he loved her, how much he still loves her. If only he hasn't actually shared a life with her, something that still keeps him there. If only I do not love him enough to be this selfish and greedy for everything that he is. If only he can let me go. I really want to go already. I'd rather be alone and lonely...