Sya ang tawo nga puro lang hambal. Sya ang tawo nga nakilala ko nga perte ka alam kag damo abilidad pero wala labot nga wala hinimuan, perte pa kalain sang batasan. Mayo pa ang bana ko nga gin bayaan ko. Tamaran to, pero indi to pareho ka tikalon sa kilala ko subong. Nadula na gid respeto ko sa iya. As far as I'm concerned, subong, ang gina pakita ko sa iya, pakitang tao lang. Because I fear for my life and my son's life. I hope he knows that. But I know someday he reads this, and regrets ever treating me and my son this way. Someday soon, everything will be too late for him. Antuson ko ni subong tanan. Kay ang na learn ko sa simbahan hakwaton kuno ang cross kag indi pag e resist. So, hakwaton eh, kag indi pag e resist. Batunon.Basi pa mlang sa akon pagpa buot buot subong sa iya, ma dayunan nga mag buot na lang gid ko tuod. Para man na na gyapon sa akon kag sa bata ko. Hulat ka lang matapos obra ko di next year. I will have the freedom na. Salig ka lang ka ma tultulan mo di ang office ko may mahimo ka hostage. Next year you cannot do that anymore. Te lipay ka kay pakitang tao lang ni tanan pakita ko sa imo? Lipay ka nga wala na ko respeto sa imo fear na lang? And please don't ask me anymore about love. Pati ina pakitang tao man. Puta ka nga bwisit ka pabigat ka sumpa sa kabuhi ko. Promise, mapatay ka subong, indi ko ya maghibi. Ma celebrate ko ya. Wala ka pulos. Pinaka pulos mo na lang gid nga gina baid mo pasensya ko. Amo lang na. Well, salamat man gyapon kay tungod sa imo ga learn ko mag pugong maging kriminal. Dri ko na lang tanan epa utwas tanan ko nga buyayaw. Kay kng sa imo wala man ko padaug di ba. Isa mo mlang ka lingo liug ko? Tikalon ka nga gago ka. Talawan ka gid lang pro. Ahaw womens hadlok ka. Pwes hulat ka kay may record ka na to. Maka pa uma ka bwas kay amo na nang katapusan mo. Mayo kong maka tapak ka pa sa balay ko nga panulay ka. Kabay pa sa pag sakay mo bwas sa ceres pa Hinobaan, may makakita sa imo kag matiruhan ka na lang ka mapatay. As in amo gid na akon wish subong. Promise. Bwisit ka wala ka pulos puro pag antos lang gin hatag ko sa imo nga bwisit ka. Kabay pa right now samtang gatulog ka sa balay ko padako itlog kabay pa bangunguton ka. Lord kabay pa mabangungot na lang siya kag indi na ka bugtaw.

I will be happy together with him. That's my only revenge. That's our only revenge. We will be happy together, we will be strong together. I will have a good life. I will provide for all that I love, with peace, happiness, luxury. Life will be good. But I will have to start with me and I will definitely do that. You can wait, or you can start forgetting about me right now already. Forget about me. See you around the bend. I will surprise you with the happy me. Still together with him.

I won't fight back with any of you any more. I know I can never win. Yes, I am an adulterer and there is absolutely no way I can justify that. So in here I hide away, grimace in pain until I'm too exhausted. What else could I do, anyway. I made a mistake. People call it a mistake. Somehow I can agree. But I still choose to believe that life must go on and I only have lessons to learn. There are times when I am consumed with anger, how can these people judge me, and yet, what right do I have to demand for compassion. Even the very person I risked my life for, call me a bitch. I guess there's nothing more to a kerida, a mistress, than be treated the way I deserve. I take responsibility for all that I did. I cannot bring back time. I can only learn and become better. Gin agyan ko man na. Nang babaye man ang bana ko anay. So I know the pain na gin cause ko sa iban. But at this point in my life, I'm just grateful nga nag reach na ko sa setback. Now I can start making amends. Sige lang. Dunuta nyo lang ko. Jesus was there for Magdalene di ba. I will choose the trust the Lord. That his love encompasses everything and everyone. In stead of fighting back, I will commit my time in praying for all of you, tanan kamo nga naga persecute sa akon sa akon pagka tawo kag pagka babaye. I can't blame you. Akon man ni hinumuan. I will wait on the Lord. And while I do, pisanan ko ang pag bag-o. I will become better. Amo lang na ma promise ko sa inyo.

       Today we believe God wants us to know that when you feel down, look at yourself through God's eyes.

There are times when no matter how hard you try, you just cannot accept yourself as you are. During such times, think of how you look to God's eyes. In God's eyes, there is no judgment, there is only acceptance. God sees your light when all that you can see are your shadows. God loves you more than anyone could ever love you as you really are.

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Some it is comforting to know, after someone you love tells you: "puta ka ya panan-aw ko". I don't know how this brokenness will be fixed, maybe only God can. I guess He alone can fix everything. How can a bitch like me expect to be loved and respected. I am only as good as what I can give. Nothing else. Maybe this is what mistresses have to suffer. I have to suffer for taking him away from his family. I have to suffer for falling madly in love with him. I admit that time I was just plain crazy. The consequences were clear. But it just looked blurry to me. I didn't care at all. I didn't look at the future. All I wanted that time was to be with him. All the time. All that mattered to me were those fleeting moments when I could be in his arms. Indeed I was crazy. I am still crazy. For putting up with this kind of life that he gave me. I am still crazy for giving him second chances all the time. I am still crazy for giving it a try over and over and over again.

Monday, September 13, 2010

I am a bird in a cage
and it’s you I cry,
I sing about…
it’s your love I want,
I cant live without.
It’s you I dance,
I hope, I breathe.
It’s you I sigh,
I smile, my soul could fly with.
I want you, I think you,
I feel only you…
more than what I could understand,
you are the meaning
in my sinister riddles,
the freedom that I deserve…

After four long days of not seeing each other, we were so parched we went out every day. For three consecutive trysts, I still couldn’t seem to get enough of us spending time together. I went home just this morning and still I keep longing to be with him. I was about to text him I wanted to see him again tonight. And then he texted saying he and family will be up in their farm. My whole life sank, got depressed, struggled against it, and ended up doing something silly with myself.

This is one of the downfalls of this kind of relationship. He cannot be there for me anytime I want him. Not to mention the stabbing pain in the heart knowing he’s with his family. I want to take the place of his wife. I’m almost sure I can do much, much better. Loving someone bad enough is not guarantee you would know just the right thing to do to make him happy. It would also require a lot of creativity and feistiness to get things going, each in their matchless excitement. I can give him that. And more…

If only he’s there all the time…

Sunday, September 19, 2010

Lately the wife has been bantering me in text messages telling me to stay away…finally I lost my patience and replied and told her she should tell that to her husband. I tried to appear as cool and unaffected as I could get. But the truth is I nearly fainted. If she only knows the real story. I have been wanting to stay away. I tried many times. But every time, he would be like a little boy crying and pleading. It would kill him, he would say.

It would kill me too, he should know that. But with the reality of his wife and kids, what dagger is there that cannot cause my death?

I resent the wife and her existence. Especially knowing how she is to him and what are her ‘areas of concern’ for him. Then again once in a while I would wickedly think it’s better that way. At least I know I am so much better.

I tried making friends with her before, tried giving her tips how to make her man stay faithful and in love with her. But she shooed me away anyway, which made me less and less guilty to be staying in love with her husband.

If only she let me in. It would have been different for all of us these days.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

He can dominate me. That’s what makes him so different from the others I have got to know with. Not even my husband can tame me. But I can see that he can. He does. He tries to. And I can see myself submitting to his will, bearing his indiscretions, his blunders, his callousness. I have never known someone as stubborn as him, stubborn enough not to be controlled by my girlish qualms or my medieval pains. He can charm his way in, with his sly smiles and tilted head, he can find his way out. He simply refuses not to be enamored by what we have between us. He keeps wanting for more, and I am enslaved with the thrill of it all.

I guess that’s the main reason why I have fallen this crazy. I have finally found someone who I can allow to rule over me. If only…

But I am keeping my grounds… I cannot actually be the whimpering damsel to him, as much as I would wish to be. I cannot even be a slave of any kind to him. I cannot serve him as much as I could. I cannot take care of him the way that I can. I cannot freely say anything, any adulation, any reassurance… I cannot. I won’t.

I am a bird in the cage. I have sturdy wings with me but I cannot make use of them. If only he has the capacity to open wide the iron bars. But he, too, is locked inside his own consequences.

Monday, September 27, 2010

I hate it whenever he tells me he’s up in the farm with the family. It sounds so exclusive. I just simply hate it. I become miserable. It contrasts how lonely I am. Come to think of it, it is because of falling in love with him that I have fallen out of love totally from my husband. But with him, it’s not as worse. He could still sleep in the same bed with his wife, make love with her. I am so full of resentment right now. And I hate myself for it.

Nevertheless I can still turn things around. I still have it in me. At least I want to believe so. I’m giving him a dose of his own medicine. I am not letting him see me for as long as I could hold it. I have to stop thinking about happy times in bed with him. I have to stop desiring him and wanting him. So that no matter how he desires me and wants me, I won’t be affected anymore. Why? It’s because of him, all because of him that I still cannot sleep with my husband. I have grown so estranged, so extremely estranged from my husband since we started our flame.

That night, when he looked at me straight in the eye and said he could run away with me, I want to consider it as just a dream. A faraway place. A faint twilight. It’s just adding insult to injury each time I remember it.

I have to start living again. Almost a year and so much has been robbed off me. Almost a year of emerging myself into a life of filth, sin, and deception. I have grown worst from worse.

Thursday, September 30, 2010

I miss my individuality. I miss my life without him in it. Less tears. Less palpitations. Less nightmares. Less happy. But at least, it was less scary.

Loving him has made me so vulnerable I lost all my defenses. I want my independence back. With him, it seems that breathing itself becomes a chore if I don’t hear from him. I haven’t been growing into a better person each day. It’s the other way around. And I am not liking it.

I want to breathe again. It’s supposed to be free. I cannot wait forever. I cannot hope for nothing forever. I’ve got wings. And I am supposed to fly.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

It was one fleeting moment when he said he can leave everything for me. Right at that moment, it was a dream. I was in a daze. I was in wonderland. Now I am awake and I am trying to recall everything single moment. He was holding me in my face, looking at me straight in my eyes and told me he can run away with me, from the world, fromm everything. It was pure madness. It seems pretty clear to me right now already. And I am hurt, so hurt I cannot even bear to breathe. I wish he didn't say it at all. I wish I didn't see him that night, when he was so missing me and the lovemaking. How could I be so stupid.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

yesterday he called and just out of the blue asked me "should we run away?" as if he read my mind. as if he knows and read this blog. as if his heart beats in resonance with mine...

it all the more hurt me. knowing that we feel the same and think the same and wish the same... once in a while i feel less alone...just once in a while...

Friday, October 8, 2010

here i am again. nowhere to go. no one to run to. no one to talk to. i feel i am making so much drama in my life that no one would understand. none at all. and to think that i am a sucker for connection, for sentimental sharing, profound, deep understandings. i wish there is right now one soul on earth that could understand me, who is like me. i feel so alone and so scared. i cannot even run to god, because i have failed him greatly. so greatly i feel i cannot come any closer to him...anymore.

i am torn between hell and heaven. i am both scared to stay or let go. i am scared to move. i am scared as hell. but i am also scared where i am standing. i feel so lost. i feel so abandoned. miserable. i want to be brave. i want something to hold on to...

Saturday, October 9, 2010

It will never happen. He cannot actually give up everything for me. I do not really need him to actually do that. But it would have made a difference to hear him say it with conviction. It would have made me want to really stay. But just like the typical man, he is concerned of keeping everything in his territory. Family is territory, a sort of comfort zone, an identity. And as long as he can keep it and at the same time, keep me, life would be bearable if not too perfect. It is continually scaring me to trust him because of that. There seems to be nothing that I can hold on to to make me confident enough to make a choice and choose him. And choose to stay with him.

Monday, October 11, 2010

i hate it when i'm feeling this clingy and he isn't visibly there, not in anyway. if i could only hold on to this feeling of frustrations till it is enough for me to get tired, give up and leave.

Wednesday, October 13, 2010

he said he brought her to meet his classmates. another dagger to my heart. i cringed in pain and i had to hide it. right now i'm pissed. how could he maintain such a life and maintain another one in secret? i am a filler. i fill where the wife leaves a gnawing gap as far as romance and sexual satisfaction are concerned. i fill where boredom and loneliness his family life leaves him with. and like a filler, i set up for crumbs. i wait for whatever minute it is that he could spare me with. i wait for moments when he's got nothing to do and remember me. i wait, and wait and wait...

there are things that he doesn't tell me. i just feel that. he loves his wife. that's one thing. he can't actually live without her. he's wanted her from the start to stick with her no matter what. to hell with him. to hell with his wife.

one day there will be no more tears to shed. i will wait for that day.

Sunday, November 21, 2010

How can I wait for someone who cannot be mine completely? Do I have that enough desperation? Surely I am not born to be a martyr of some sort. I have always told myself never to depend my happiness on anyone or anything. At the moment he lives with this perennial, for me unnecessary pain of fear of losing me. And I feed on it like a tiger licking on it's bloody prey. I used to be the one begging and trembling with fear each time he would disappear. I used to be the one crawling in pain for being left alone and rejected. I used to be the one crying so painfully, desperate for something to hold on to. There are times when I am tempted to launch a battle against our fresh beginnings. Because that is where my heart lives for whenever I die in each painful reality that he couldn't be mine for now.

Friday, December 3, 2010

I grieve over the fact that he is not strong enough to make decisions for us. For our love which as he said has changed him to be a better person. I am grieving, but I understand him perfectly. As much as my heart would want to resent his cowardice, I do understand. That is why I am making plans on my own. That is why I am trying to be brave as I look at the road ahead. I cannot wait on him forever. If that is the life that he chose, then he must live it. I cannot be part of it forever waiting in vain like a prisoner in a death row.

Happiness is a decision. Of course. And so I decide to hope for a better future. I will find it. Or if not, I will walk along until it finds me. I deserve a love that knows no bounds and limits. I deserve a love that doesn’t bring with it unnecessary pain. I deserve a love that will make me sing and dance freely, however way my heart would dictate it. I deserve a love that will want no one else but me.

I have a free spirit. So free it is a crime to want to keep it in a dungeon forever.

I want a competent man, someone decisive, someone who plans things out and works hard to get those plans going. I want a man with a vision, not someone who just tags along and waits for things to happen. Most of all of course I want a man who will love me and only me. I have found that, but he can't be mine in ways that I want...

And so...right now, I want a man who's all that...and free to fly away with me...

How could he love me so much and not fight for me? Why can't he be brave enough to defy what the universe dictates? Isn't it that his love is not enough?

Monday, December 6, 2010

I like the fact that he does everything to please me in bed. Just the thought of it heats me up no end. He is the perfect lover. Not that I've already got so much to compare him with to be able to say that. But by theory and crazy times spent with him, his eagerness to learn and discover, I know he is the best lover. These days he keeps me hooked. He makes me dream of the big Os and so much more of it. I quiver and twist and squirm in my office chair just at the thought of him getting busy in between my thighs. But more than that, it's his devotion that drives me out of my mind. If only that's enough bargain for me to stop pinning my hope at the other side of the fence...

Tuesday, December 7, 2010

House wrecker. Third party. Mistress. These are just a few of the names I'm afraid people who know my real story would call me. That's not me. I am a person of more value than what I can only fight for. I am more than my carnal desire, even more than what love my heart could give. I grew up knowing within myself that I am a good person.

That is why I can only cry and watch him feeling so much love for me and getting hurt by it over and over again ...

Tuesday, December 28, 2010

I've been feeling comfortable with pain once again... it seems like any offer of a balm is a strange thing to accept. Would it still be me without these bruises?

Wednesday, January 5, 2011

He's discovered everything about me in bed already... every nook and corner, every nerve, every sigh, shiver, every pulse... he heats me up in just a few teases. I have become a slave to his touches, submitting to his carnal whims. I am his, officially. He's just stamped in a seal of ownership, down there, in between my thighs.

Tuesday, January 4, 2011

At the end of the day I lay on my pillow and cry the tears bottled up while I go through my usual chore of pretending. Life is fine. I am fine. It has to get going like I started it. I fight my battles everyday. I try to convince myself that what I am into right now is just among the things people go through everyday. If others can make it, why can't I?

Truth is, I am scared as hell. And no one understands that. I am on my own, basically. No one, at this point of my life, can actually rescue me. This will go on for a while ... unless I do some decisions myself.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

I wonder what if there will be times when I would act exactly like his wife. Nag him to death, suspect him just about anything...you know, things that can be really possible for me to be like. He mentioned one time of course that would scare him. Of course that will drive him away. What about unconditional love?

That is what I am afraid of. Because I believe love conquers everything. UNCONDITIONAL love. Such a broad topic. I hope we can work that out. Love is a two-way street, after all. Someone told me recently, that as long as we're ok, things will be okay. She meant as long as we're here, together, loving each other, hand in hand, there is nothing that we can't get over with.

I wonder could he still love me even if there will be times when I'll just be acting like a total bitch...

I guess that time has come now. I wasn't like this. I hope now he sees the difference.

January 29, 2011

There are times when I think I am not supposed to be with a man. Not married, for that matter. I look at myself and I see how such a difficult person I become when I’m angry or hurt. I thought I’ve found someone who would bear me anyway, that would mean understanding and accepting. But I forgot everybody has feelings. They get hurt, they get tired, they get discouraged. They reach their limit. And that’s what I am afraid about. That’s what discourages me from looking to a future and growing old with someone beside me.

Thing is, I am a pleaser. So I will bear everything, keep quiet, and just be there for someone I chose to love. My feistiness and anything that goes with it, are just defenses. Woman power. I always bear that in mind. Women rule. I always convince myself of its truth. But deep inside, I am scared of men. I am scared of displeasing them. I am scared that I will be hurt.

So being with someone sometimes makes me eternally confused about myself and what do I really want. If I am alone, I get angry all by myself. I get hurt, so I fend for myself. I get discouraged and so I cheer myself up. If I cannot then I simply can hole up and let time pass. No one will require me to be anything I should be.

March 23, 2011

I have stopped counting. The times we make love, each single moment we become one, I stopped counting. There is no need for it anymore. They will keep happening over and over and over, anyway. If I keep doing it, I will certainly lose count.

I took note of almost everything from the start. I wanted to make sure I don’t miss each single, breathing moment that we’re together, that he is there making love to me like I’m the only one. Like his life depended on my touches. Each moment is like a dream, surreal and almost unbelievable. When he starts to kiss me, and the world around me swirls, I get lost and melt away with the air that I breathe…

And then we depart and I go away with a thousand sunsets in my heart. The moment is gone, the feelings bursting. It’s like you’re falling into oblivion forever. And so I look at my notes, and look at the numbers… the times we had each other… the times when love is so free and primitive it won’t have any other words for it. These notes have become home for my vagrant heart. They tell me he’s mine, that he wants me, that I got something to hold on to.

Indeed, I have lost count already. There will be more of it, everyday will be a reminiscence of our present and our future. There is eternity for us and the love that gives us life rather than death, hope rather than despair ...

Sunrise rather than sunset ...

Nadumduman ko lang. Natabo man ni sa iya sang iya asawa. May sala sya, nag attend sya high school reunion, aga na kapuli. Tapos gina suyo nya iya asawa, (yes, his wife used to tell me everything) tapos sinuplada gyapon iya asawa wala panapak syempre kay suya. Sino indi masuya nga na agahan ka sa reunion tapos indi pa matawgan fon mo. Try nya kong sya sa amo na nga situation. Indi ayhan mangkuga sya sa iya asawa. He resorted to aggression. Nanago sa banyo iya asawa kag nanawag sa akon scared. Pirmi lang hambal nya, butigon iya asawa kag lain ulo. I believed him. But looking back now, daw husto ang mga version sang iya asawa, kay pareho gid tanan subong sa gakatabo sa akon. Gin sulit ko ang istorya sang iya asawa upod sa iya. How sad.

During those many weeks nga wala sya kapa kita, he said, "Masugod ta liwat." Mo na ang problema sa amon. Gasalig ko sa tanan nya nga ginahambal. So pagpakita nya sa balay, dako dako akon expectations. Kay nag hambal sya "Masugod ta liwat." Courtship ang gina expect ko. Wala ko gina expect nga ma continue sya sa iya agression kag sinuplado kong indi nya ma kwa gusto nya. Ga expect ko nga kong mag sinuplada ko, suyuon nya ko, nga indi nya ko pag e mind, but assure me nga even at my ugliest, he loves me. What a great disillusionment. Kaya nya lang gid ko gali e love kong mayo tanan, kong hapos tanan, if I am lovable lang. Sakit sakit. Miskin papano, ako gin love ko sya at his worst. I can prove that by his text messages, may poem pa nga gin sulat which he entitled "My Hero". He knows deep inside his heart, pano ko sya gin baton kag gin sige palangga even at his worst. Pero wala na. Wala na ni tanan buot silingon sa iya. I guess, not while he is sick like that.

Like I said I'm a mess. And well, you caused all this mess that is me. So don't come to my house expecting to see a wonderwoman who does good at anything. I am a mess. Broken. Scared. Angry. You name all this emotions, I have. I guess you cannot love me while I'm broken like this. I know, because I reached a point where I realized I cannot love you either when you're broken like that. I tried, haven't I? For two years I tried, but I did really bad at it. So wala na chansa. So I give up. So I decide there's nothing left to give. Whatever left I have, it's all spoiled, rotten, nothing's left of me.

Simple ma lang ang rason nga na suya ko last night. He offered to do the dishes. For a thousand times he did that, and never did any. It may sound petty. Hulugasan lang pinggan. But for me it's huge. I need to feel taken care of. I need to see him doing what he says all the time. If he really pities me kay pirmi ko kapoy kag wala ko pahuway, paano nya makayanan nga two straight days tulog kag indi man lang maka pinsar mang hugas pinggan para pag abot ko miskin papano makapahuway ko? Ambot kong ma intindihan nya pa na. Ambot kong may chance pa nga ma intindihan nya na. When I got up and did the dishes myself, again, for a thousand times I did that, wala man lang sya nag react. Wala na distorbo sa gina lantaw nya sa phone nya. It all looks so familiar. I got scared all of a sudden. Ari naman ta? Back to zero? Ma stay di sya sa balay, tulog inadlaw, kag pag bugtaw na sya, tungango sa internet? My God, indi na ko sang amo na nga kabuhi. Never will I allow myself and my son in that situation again. So nag panic ko. I didn't know what to do, what to say, ever since gin sugudan nya ko abuse, nadula na akon self-identity. I've become too afraid to ask for the things I want, to question, to clarify. So ang translation sini tanan is me looking stern, distant, bitchy even. And for someone like him nga may gina dala man, syempre indi manami. And since indi manami, he takes it all out on me. Singgitan, e threat, anything to keep me on the ground, by his feet, my life under his command. Kasubo nga kabuhi.Tapos daw sala ko pa kay gina pangita ko sya. In the first place daw gin klaro ko naman tanan, nga he can only come and visit, kag indi mag tulog sa balay. Sya ya ang sige text and ask if he can come. But now nga klaro na, nga kong mangita ko ya gali sa iya, para sa iya he has the permission na mag hari harian sa panimalay ko, then I will never do that ever again. Indi na ko mag text, mangamusta, mangita. Mahulat na lang ko kong asta san-o till he gets that healing nga gina hambal ya tinuig na. "Mapa-ayo ko anay," he said in one of his recent text messages. I guess hulaton ko na lang gid na.

The Road Ahead

It looks dark, lonely, it seems never ending, I can't see the next bend. I am 40 now, I'm going to be out of job by next year, my son is still a grader. I am scared. Really scared. I put up a face, they see a strong, independent woman. But you see, I'm never in control of anything about my life. I am the mercy of what people think of me. I am at the mercy of what one man wants from me, expects from me. I cannot even talk about this to anyone. So I put up this blog so I can write here, and pour myself without being judged. At least if you're reading this and you say "You deserve that you bitch" at least I can't hear it. So it doesn't matter. I might as well write everything here and put up ads so I can earn some few cents. I don't know. I do not really know. All I know right now is that I cannot give up, for the sake of my son. No matter what, I should keep going. I guess I'm still okay, am I not?