Praying

There are times when I find it very hard to pray. Being tagged as an immoral makes me feel I am not worthy to touch the Lord's hem. Even just his hem. I feel so dirty. So undeserving. I feel that I deserve all this suffering because I am dirty. Right now, I am buried in desperation. How and when things will be lighter, brighter? There are so many things I want to have, to do, to make up for. I want to make it up to my parents, for causing them heartache. I want to provide for them the best that I can possibly give. I want to give them a good life, make them experience paradise in my farm. Please Lord have mercy on us. Give me this chance. Please just one more year. I am begging you for it. Just one more year Lord. I want to give them the best. I want to give them more than what they need and want. Even just for that. They've been suffering too much all their life. They deserve to be happy with the things that they want. I just want to just let them be and enjoy the remaining years of their life. I supposed there is nothing wrong with that. Please help us. Please help me. I do not know what to do right now but I look to the light at the end of this very very long dark tunnel. Please help me.

I've done so many things wrong. I want to make it up to them. To others around me. I want to pay it back. I want to give. But I cannot to that if I am empty and dried out. I've been dried out most of of the time. Most of my life. Only you can help me. Please, let me touch the hem of your robe. Please. And deliver us from this hell that we are in right now. Have mercy and forgive us for all that we did wrong. Please give us a second chance at life. Please Lord have mercy on us.

Self Help for Trauma

Today I found myself searching through google for this key words: Self Help for Trauma. I think no one could ever understand right now the hell I keep going through each day. Everything that has happened in our home when he was still staying/living with us. The cocking of gun, the throwing of gun where my son and I were seated, the broken things at home, the banging of the wall and doors, the shouting, the threats. Countless times he would say he would kill me, he kept saying he can do that very easily, just one second and I'm gone. The countless times I would cry quietly so that my son will not hear it.

I wish one day soon he will read this. I wish he can pay attention and understand what it cost him, what it cost us. So many times I would say I did nothing wrong but he would be so very much convinced that I am a whore. If only there is a way. Maybe next year, when I will have all the money for our counselling. But right now, it looks impossible for me. How can I feel romantic with him when I have to go through all this in my head every day. Yet I know my situation is not impossible. No matter how difficult and painful it is, it is not impossible. A lot of women go through this and even worse than the situation where I am in.


 

I am not like any of these mistresses

Today, Ive been watching two consecutive "mistress" movies. Cried buckets because I can very well relate to the lines, situations, confrontations, emotions, lies, deceit. I experienced everything. Things unimaginable. Pains unimaginable. Suffering that has never even been named yet. I had them. But the only thing I cannot relate to these two movies is the fact that the mistresses never ended up with the love of their life. I am still together with him. In spite of all that has happened to us, we are still together. He still wants me. Sticks around. And building our future together. On the outside, people would see that he left his wife and two children for me. But I cannot really accept that. I didn't destroy any family. Come to think of it, he also destroyed my own family. But this isn't anymore a question of who did who. Like the characters in the movies, people can just be careless. "Sometimes people do horrible things when they’re hurt." This is how affairs usually start. It how it started with us. And we realized that somewhere along the way, but we chose to rise above all this and become better than we already were. It is still a work in progress. We are a work in progress. He has already hurt me a thousand times. At one point I saw a monster in him. But I'm still here am I not. Because he is still here. Amidst all this darkness he is still around. I am not like any mistress that men use and then left to die of loneliness. Maybe that's worth enough reason for me to stay as well.

It’s any of us, it’s you, and it’s me. And we haven’t found it for all the reasons in the world. Because guys just suck even more as they get older, because dating is hard as hell once you’re out of school and in the real world, because who in the world knows how to be consistent and communicate in the day of age where our apps are changing every two weeks. It’s not like we don’t try. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve done the apps. I’ve tried the OkCupid, the Tinder, the swiping left on the millions of guys that also have resorted to that option because I just don’t know where else to look. And this is the part where you’re gonna tell me, “Don’t look, let him find you.” Where? In the female populated profession that I decided to choose? While I’m working 10 hour shifts to go home and collapse in my bed? At this point, the only way he will find me is if he so happens to break into my apartment, and honestly, that’s not how I hope to meet Prince Charming. The worst part is that I know he’s out there. He’s somewhere in the grocery aisle, wishing he had a great recipe for mac and cheese, and waiting for me to enter in his life. But I’m tired of waiting for him. He needs to jump on an Uber and come to me because his two feet are simply not working fast enough. He’s out there though. And I want to meet him. Have you ever felt that you have all this love to give and no one to give it to? Yeah, family and friends are nice and of course, we love ourselves, but we want to surprise someone at work with lunch on a rough day, or hold their hand in a movie at a really scary part, or man, dare I say, fall asleep on someone’s chest. It really is the simple things that we want, but we can’t seem to find it from anyone, anywhere. I refuse to believe that love won’t be mine one day. It’s hard to fight that belief on some days, I’ll be honest, but one thing I’m realizing is that you can’t force love. And we can’t find it, we, well I’ll say me, I start thinking the problem is me. It’s not even that I’m looking. I go to work, go to my apartment, and go to see my family. If anything, I’m not giving myself an opportunity to look. But I’ve encountered men in my life who have caught my attention. They have made me wonder, “what if?” But they don’t seem to reciprocate the feeling back. So then I’m wondering, am I just undateable? Am I just unlovable? Am I grotesque? Am I destined to be a tea lady who has a lot of owls?(long story) I don’t know about you, but I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that love won’t be mine one day. It’s hard to fight that belief on some days, I’ll be honest, but one thing I’m realizing is that you can’t force love. Yeah you may want it, crave it, desire it, but if you force it, it still won’t satisfy that hunger. It’ll still leave you with that empty feeling in your stomach asking, “is this really it?” Who wants that? I haven’t found love yet, but I want it to be magical. I still believe in fairytales and happy endings. I want the love I find to be the heater to my cold nights, the ice cream on my happy days, the light in this world that seems to get darker and darker by the day. I want that love to come to show me that all the past frogs were frogs for a reason. They left me hungry, and I’ll finally know why. I haven’t found love yet, but when I do. Man. Let’s just say I can’t wait to finally feel what it’s like to be full. TC mark Cataloged inFaling In LoveFinding LoveHeartHeart CatalogLoveLove & DatingLove & RelationshipsLove & RomanceLove and RelationshipsWriting & Expression Ashley Jones

Nahisa ko sa mga happy. Nahisa ko sa mga naga pakasal. Sa mga naga renew weddings vows. Some of these couples I know personally. And yes, true love does exist. That's why nahisa ko sa ila. Kay ngaa indi pwede sa akon kag pwede ya sa ila. Siguro amo gid man ni ang bagay sa mga kerida nga gapang agaw bana nga pareho sa akon. Kag amo gid man na guro ang bagay sa mga kerido nga nagapang agaw asawa nga pareho sa iya. Amo ni ang bagay sa amon nga duha. Forever ma suffer. Forever mahisa sa mga truly happy. Or basi depression lang ni ang akon subong. Triggers nga wala ga untat. Wala ga dula. Wala ga iban. Ga sige lang dugang. Hell. Tuod gid man na gali. Te ma ano ko subong kay ga suffer ko. Ipa utwas sa blog mayo na kay mayo ni ya mamati. Wala ga argue. Wala ga justify. Wala ga judge. Wala ga assume. Ga baton lang kag gapamati. I long for the day nga miskin kadali lang wala may ga judge sa akon. Pano man bi, even the very person for whom I laid down my life, amo pa ang pinaka una nga hobby nya ang mag judge sa akon. As for me, wala ko may nahimo sa iya nga sala. Galantaw ang langit. Sya ya, damo evidence. Damo buhi nga witness makahambal sang pinang himo nya. Funny. Pero ngaa sya pa ang wala gaka wad-an accusations against me. Perte ka pait nga klase pangabuhi ni ang akon. I wish I can just run away right now ang hide from the rest of the world. If my son is big enough, I will really do that. By then I will have enough money to go on a trip by myself and just disappear from all the rest of the world. I will go to a place nga wala may naka kilala sa akon. Ako lang. With myself. Kag magpakalinong kag mag enjoy sa life nga wala sang may naga judge.

kabudlay na mag salig liwat. every minute every second didto ko gabalik sa mga sakit nga nahimo nya. ako na ang pinaka praning. tanan gina suspetsahan ko. pero indi ko man ma express. kay violence man akon masugata. things are never the same. handurawon ko na lang ang times nga gina spoil mko kag makapagusto ko sinuplada. never na gid to guro magbalik. tanan gina kim kim ko. indi ko pwede ka express. subong kadamo lain nga thoughts. diin ka nag kadto. ngaa 9 hours indi ka ma contact. sino upod mo? na agyan ko sa hari nga 5 days indi sya ma contact kay gali lain nga sim card gamit nya. gina himo mo man na? sang nadakpan ta ka ga biga sa timbang, perte imo pa nami nami. pareho man sang pa buot buot mo subong. guilty ka? ano gin himo mo? gusto na ko mag ayo. gusto na ko kalimtan ang tanan. pero papano.

nahisa ko sa mga happy. nahisa ko sa mga may kwarta. nahisa ko sa mga gapagusto lang sa ila life kag happy man sila. nahisa ko sa mga gin kasal sa ila true love. nahisa ko sa may fairytale ending. nahisa ko sa mga gina palangga kag gina halungan kag gina spoil. nahisa ko sa mga gina palangga nga wala conditions. nahisa ko sa mga hapos lang ang ila life. amo na gid ko ni kalain? ngaa ari pa ko di wala man ko pulos. damo ga kontra sa akon. ang akon upod damo man ga kontra sa iya. ga ano pa ko di. ga ano pa kmi di. tani napatay na lang kmi. ngaa gin tagaan pa kmi mga bata. ngaa gin tagaan pa sya mga bata tapos gin kuha man lang sa iya. ngaa nagkitaay kmi nga duha gapatyanay man lang kmi kng ga upod kmi. tani wala na lang ko naka lab-ot sa amo ko ni nga dalan. tani mapatay na lang ko ga ano pa ko di.

Time will come, life will be better for me. sige lang. sigeha nyo lang tapak kag dunot sa akon. matapos gid ni tanan. ngaa sila ga happy ngaa ako wala di ba. indi na pwede. may ara gid time para sa akon nga maging happy man ko. lapit na lang na. kag wala na na sang may maka pugong pa. indi naman ko magpa pugong. tanan tun-an ko. mabato na ko. indi na ko gusto nga mag tanga na lang kag maghulat. enjoy lang kamo subong. tuduhe nyo. lapit na lang. ako naman. makita ko kamo sa dalan pag ligsaan ko kamo. i can almost smell it.

Ga dumot ko ya sa inyo. Tanan kamo nga nag lait sa akon kag nag husgar sa akon. Lantawon ta kay indi ko kamo pag untatan. Makita nyo pila ka adlaw ma tanga kamo kon sino na ko. Sige husgari nyo ko. Ang dumot ko sa inyo amo ang himuon ko rason nga malab-ot ko ang level nga deserve ko malab-ot. Huo subong ga antos ko. Pero indi ni asta san-o. May katapusan ni. Bantayan ko kamo, ang giho nyo kag kon diin na kamo. Kay kalipay ko nga makita ko kamo nga ga antos, pareho man sang pagpa antos nyo subong sa akon.