The Long Wait

The Long Wait. That's what I call my journey now. For all of my life I live within the means. Never had the luxury of spending for what I want and like. I'm not poor compared to others of course I can still buy clothes shoes and bags if needed. IF NEEDED. How pathetic. Considering that I've always been very hardworking. I don't like sleeping long hours, I do not like bumming around on TV all day. It gives me headache. It makes me feel useless. You see, I have this energy of a millionaire. But staying in this job for two decades now have curtailed every capacity for some millions.

This is my last year in this office. A lot has happened to me in 18 years. Who would have thought that a simple, silent, level headed righteous young lad would end up become a mistress. (I still resent using that word because for me a mistress is someone who is maintained by a married man while still going home to his family.) I do not fit in that classification. He left her for too many reasons and that's not my problem anymore. At some point I became a mother to his two young children because the bitch mother left them out of the blue, went to Malaysia to be with her man. There were talks that she only went there because she's pregnant and she needed a place away so she can deliver her child. She was gone for only over a year, working permits/ visas usually requires two years stay in the place. Well, my being a mother to her kids was short lived, no matter how well I did. The moment she reappeared, the crown was hers again. And to add salt to my wounds, she is currently enjoying all the vindication. It's too painful for me to elaborate here, I am still actually quite confused how could that happen. I am still struggling to accept that. But come to think of it, the life she is living right now, that's answers to my prayers. For her. Yes, I prayed for her, I almost forgot that. I prayed for God to send her someone who would fall madly truly deeply for her and would make her happy. It seems that she found the one, giving her not just love but all the luxuries he can afford like a brand new latest model car. I am envious. I deserve that life, too. I am a good person. Taking her husband for myself is not entirely my fault, anyway. But well, who can I argue with? Only myself. Because no one would understand.

So now, I keep a stiff upper lip as I await my turn. I know it will happen. I just have to keep still and try not to complain too much, not to hate too much, not to watch them all the time and how happy they are with their lives. I have to keep myself disciplined and just stay still. The long wait will be over soon, before I know it. I go through this, day, after day, hour after hour. It will all be over soon.

I have to let you go

It's not easy being angry and hateful all the time. It takes up so much of my energy, affecting my capacity to connect with those I love. I am consumed by vengeance and bitterness because of what they have done to me. I never run out of reasons for being angry at them. There are times when I've got nothing else to do, and in an instant I remember them and start feeling hateful, and the rest of my day, week, weeks and even months, I spend it hating them. And I end up not achieving so much in my life. Right now, I am slowly realizing the damage it costs not only them, but us, me, him, my own son, his own children. Practically everybody. What if I let go of this anger? What if I reach out, ask for forgiveness and forgive them, too? I have tried imagining such reality and somehow I like it. Maybe it can work. Maybe we can try that one day. I want to be free, to be able to live my life happy and not causing anyone pain. I've caused them so much pain, even if I did not really intend it. Or maybe I did. Well, I did actually. Because I wanted her husband for myself alone. That, or never. I was willing to leave him to her. But he wouldn't want that. He said he'd die without me in his life. It was never ending chase. He wanted me. He would die without me. And that started our forever. Yes, this is going to be forever. While we're here, while we live. Death will bring us apart. Not even death I guess. He keeps asking God to let him be with me even when we reach heaven.

You see, there is nothing much you can do about it. So I guess we both have to try and accept things as they are. I cannot hate you forever. I do not want to be bound in such a spell or a curse if I may call it. It seems that you have your life going with someone head over heels for you. You should thank me for that. For a long time I prayed for God to send you someone who will love you truly madly deeply. And right now I realize I shouldn't be envious. Because I prayed for that to happen to you. I should be happy. Even if right now I am in the midst of my own suffering, I should hold myself and not get too affected by the kind of life you have already. You may not deserve that the way I see it for now but that should be enough for me to find relief. In that way you won't be bothering us anymore. I've experienced so much shame because of you. You have no idea what pain you caused me. But I can now let that go because you are free now and you will be starting your own journey to forever. May you be happy. I Wish you well. Please be happy. And everyday I will pray that one day soon, I can see you and ask for forgiveness personally. For now may this suffice. I am not completely free. I am still struggling. But I'm hoping to get there. Where you are. Free. Happy. Couldn't care less. May God have mercy on me and help me in this journey. The way that he has helped you.

I think I really have to try and let go of the need to know everything all the time. I have to learn to chill a little bit. I cannot force people to keep up with my pace. If this is my pace then so be it. I'll keep at it. It's up to them to keep up or not. I am my own woman. I've always been independent. The reason why I'm stressed like this is because I rested in my laurels. I want to take control again, of my own plans, of my own schedules, of my own targets. I have to stop acting like an insecure jealous wife, it's been overly done, that part of me. Have to let that go. Have to find my own interests again and engage myself in activities that can help me in my depression, too. Most of all I have to achieve something. Do something by myself, I cannot depend it on others anymore and wait forever for the result. Please God help me. Sometimes I do not know myself anymore. Is this wrong? To want to take control and not trust/rely on others to do things for me/for us?

I'm Tired

I'm tired of hating. It's eating me up. I have to get past this. I have to stop being bitter. I have to take charge and take control. Bitterness, hostility, rage. They have to go. It's punishment.

Wait Till I Have It All

I need to get rich as soon as possible. I need to get rich already. That's the only way for me to stop all this anger and bitterness. I'm like this because I feel I do not deserve this. It seems that she's the one getting the vindication. Why? How? Because she's the legal wife? She has all the vindication? I am a wife, too. And so many other women broke my heart each time I caught my husband with them. Where is my vindication? I want my vindication. I've been here for so long without any hope of finding the light.

Hero Mistress

Wala ka pa right maging happy subong. Not while I'm still miserable. Sa imo ko epa upok tanan nga kaakig ko sa kalibutan. Isa ka sa nagpa miserable gid sa kabuhi ko. Years ko gin endure na ang kahuy-anan nga gin hatag mo sa akon, as if ako lang may sala nga-a nag bulagay kamo. Bwisit ka dugay na kamo guba ya. Hisaan ka. Te kay indi na sa imo kay baghak ka, ako paka huy-an mo. Pwes indi ta man ka untatan pakahuya nga mango ka.

I swear I won't stop. Until I've got all I need in this journey. As soon as okay na ko, promise untatan ta na ka. Provided untatan mo man ko. I will be rich. I will have all that I need. We will have all that we need to get the children and have them back with us. Kwarta lang katapat mo nga swindler ka. Indi man gid ko amo na kalain nga klase tawo a. It just so happens nga gin daug daug nyo ko miskin indi lang ako ang may sala. Ngaa sa akon mo e basul tanan. Pwes I'll do the same. Te subong, sa imo ko man ebasul tanan okay lang? So while I'm miserable this way, antos ka man okay? Besides, it's not entirely my fault ngaa ma antos ka. Imo man na hinimuan tanan nga pakahuya mo sa lawas mo. Manginto ka tawo imo na ya sala. Gin expose ko lang para wala na sang dugang nga ma intuan. I'm a hero you know. Akig ko sa mga hisaan. Akig ko sa mga hilabtira. Akig ko sa mga hilabtira. Akig ko sa mga legal wife nga feeling wife. Excuse me lang da a. Basi gusto mo mabal-an kng ano sya kahikay sa imo nga itom ilok ka. He chose me, you know. That's clear enough reason for your to shut the fuck up. Ang please lang tell that mother in law of yours nga pareho man sa imo nga nymphomaniac, it wasn't I who ruined her son's life. It was her, it was you. Kamo duha nag tandem para gubaon kabuhi nya. You want me to elaborate, isa isahon ko paano nag tarong kabuhi nya sang isa kami ka pamilya, sang ara ang mga bata sa amon. That stupid mother in law of yours, she knows how happy the kids were when they're with us.  You want to know? Kon isog ka gid, hibalua. It's only for the faint of heart. Sa ka hisaan mo, indi mo makayanan mabatian kon ano ka happy sang mga bata under my care. Kon papano ko gin tudluan ang ila amay pano mangin mayo nga amay sa ila. Ask your kids and they will tell you how good I was to them. Try lang. 

This is my story

Why do I always have to look for a place where no one knows me. Why do I have to say things to myself only and not expect others to hear and understand. I'm forty now, I thought reaching this age would mean saying goodbye to those younger years when I was so full of angst, always misunderstood, always feeling empty and lonely. I feel funny starting this incognito blog where I can express anything without fearing that I will be judged. But I guess this is better than taking the risk of being misunderstand and criticized. I've done things in my life. Things that some people in my life are not happy about. I know I made mistakes. And I regret doing them. Had I known things would come to this, I wouldn't have fooled myself and choose to believe that I would get through it unscathed. What's even more terrible is that I've dragged my son along in the process. This page is going to be about the life story of an adulterer. This is not to gather sympathy, this is not to justify what I did in my life, but this is just simply for me to be able to let it all out and maybe for people to try and open their minds to the realities of life that not so many are brave enough to confront. I in the process am learning the same. I used to be so quick to judge. I hated mistresses with a passion. I helped friends go after their husband's mistress. I lived a fairly normal life. I was active in church, a youth leader, I was wholesome in many ways. I've had a fair number of suitors ever since I was in High school. But I vowed to myself I won't get into a relationship until I finished college. I was 24 when I first had a boyfriend. It was after about 5 months when we had our first kiss. Sex came roughly about a year after into the relationship. I would rather not look back into those days. I wasn't in love obviously. Because if I was it would be a bliss recalling those moments. Thing is, I was continually feeling lost. I wanted desperately to belong, to feel needed, to feel important. But that relationship only made me feel even worse. The rejection came in many forms. He wouldn't make an effort to call me often, come visit me, or take me out on a date. Our first date? I had to spend for it. I had to give the money to him so he would be the one to pay our restaurant dinner. Pathetic isn't it? Our first valentine's day together, I didn't receive any flower, no love letter, nothing. I made a compilation of poetry for him. I felt funny giving it to him. Almost embarrassed. I can go on and on talking about how that relationship sucked. Bottom line is, I wasn't at all happy. I just made myself believe that I was. But in reality it was a continual struggle to feel loved, desired, needed. Just imagine how worse it had become during marriage. Dry, sexless, boring marriage. At some point I wondered did I marry a gay? But then again I caught him one too many times flirting with other girls on the phone and thru the internet. That caused arguments, really ugly arguments.

So yeah, marriage was equally mundane and so full of hate. Talking about it now I feel this surge of self-pity. Why is it so easy for others to be happy? Why am I so unlucky with my choices? What did I do wrong? All through my life, all I can remember is that I always struggle to feel loved and accepted. I am not the type who push myself on someone, in fact I do not have any trouble fitting in. I am always popular in school. I joined and led several organizations back when I was in school. But the struggle is deep within. It's never obvious. I don't think anybody even noticed it. I was the type who was quiet, shy, but somehow excelled in whatever I did. I guess that made me attractive to boys.

Boys. Why do they always fall for strong women. Like me. And leave us to rot alone when all else fails. I have never come across a love story of a strong woman that ends in a happy note. I guess men, chauvinists bastards that they are, in the end resent the very quality that at first they find attractive in a woman. I am strong. Strong willed, determined, independent, intelligent, I can stand on my own. And in my failed relationship, it's being accused against me. I'm too strong. How ironic. Right now, how I wish I am that strong. I need that strength now. I'm in so much need of it.

Because I fell in love

"Darating ang panahon na magmamahal ka, at hindi mo alam kung sino ang ititibok nang puso mo."  Watching an indie film and these line struck me. Indeed, I fell in love, madly deeply in love and with what the society calls a wrong man. Wrong, because he's married. Well, when I started sharing a life with him, I discovered many more reasons why he's wrong. In so many ways he was and maybe still is. All the darkness that our relationship has caused us, it took its toll on him. Depression can be so
ugly. I cannot one by one enumerate everything that I have suffered but right now, somehow we have managed it. Depression made him wrong, for me and for my son. I managed to protect my family from all this, my parents especially. I got myself into this, I will go through this alone. This man, this wrong man is the one that I love and risked my life for. He is in every way worth the pain, he is worth it. Our situation, no matter how ugly, has helped me see life from a different perspective. I am more open now, more enduring, more understanding. I know I can make it through, night after night. My heart starting beating for someone who sacrificed everything for me, literally left everything for me. He wanted me so bad. I wanted him so bad. There were so many moments of bliss. And now that things have become ugly, love has to endure. This is what love is about.

Your Husband Dated A Strong Woman, and that's me.

I am not completely like this. For one, I am a strong woman, but I'd like to be given roses and poems and to be promised the moon at the stars. I like moonlit kisses, and petals of roses on the bed. Your husband did all these things for me, and more. Yes, MORE. Not one of them he did for you and with you at all. There was one time when he tried giving you a bouquet of roses for your anniversary. Hey, bitch, you should thank me for it because it was I who asked, no, not asked but "told". I told him to do that. That was the time when I was playing my role as a good friend to him by helping him save his marriage. You see, it was long over before I even decided to finally meet up with him. This is the strong woman that your husband dated. He never left my side since.

A strong woman is a not force to be reckoned with. She is more real than kind, but also more kind than most people you will ever meet. She knows what she deserves and she knows exactly how she should be treated. So, to date a strong woman, you also must be strong.  

A strong woman wants to always be treated with respect. You don’t have to give her a dozen red roses on Valentine’s day, you don’t have to woo her with sweet handwritten poems, and you don’t even have to give her anything for her birthday.

But, you better be damn sure that you tell her what she means to you. You better be damn sure you always let her know that she is never alone, even if she tries to put up a wall between you two.

To date a strong woman, you need to be able to man the f**k up. With all the cracks her heart has endured through the years, she has turned it into steel. But, you need to break down those barriers and see what’s inside. You need to be able to hear her story and not run. You need to be able to hold her hand through the times when she doesn’t seem so strong anymore and through the times when she is flying on top of the world. Never stop vocalizing to her about how she makes you feel. You don’t have to put rose petals on the ground to do this. You don’t even need to give her a diamond ring on her shaking finger.

You just need to say it loud, and proud, with any hesitation.

Because, although she is strong and mighty, she is also human. And humans can break. Humans can hurt. And humans can have trouble feeling like they are never good enough.

She just wants to be enough for you. She wants to make you happy and to see you smile when she kisses you out of the blue. She just wants to make your heart beat a little faster when you see her driving in your driveway. She just wants the little reminders that she is enough.

She needs to know that she is always enough.

To date and to love a strong woman, you need to validate this need. You need to step up your game, forget your ego, and give her reassurance that she is beautiful. She doesn’t need to play pretend for you, or put on her pounds of makeup. She doesn’t need to make you chocolate covered strawberries for you on Valentine’s day or squeeze into a little black dress for your anniversary.

And when you finally realize that you are falling for her, please don’t hide. Don’t run away. Don’t be scared. Just say it. Because when you tell a strong woman you love her, she will believe you. And you better be damn sure you do, because if you break a strong woman’s heart, she won’t give you a second chance.

And she will always know, that she is worth so much more than a false whisper of “I love you”. 

source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/

Hush my heart

I want all this hate to be over. I do not like myself hating so much, resenting so much, hurting so much. I hate because I hurt. So much. I hate because they hurt me. So much. They do not know anything about me and how much I have suffered. And yet they keep kicking on me, spitting on me. That's why I hate them. So much. That's why I keep on with this revenge. That's why I cannot stop. But I am tired already. My heart is so tired already from all this hating. I wish I can stop. Please Lord grant me the grace to stop. I want to live my life the way that it was designed to be. Please help me. I want to stop. I just want to rest already. I know that they are not stopping either. I just feel that I have to defend myself. No else can do that for me. No one else. Even this, the things that I keep in my heart, no one else is there to listen and understand. I am basically alone. I do not tell anybody because I do not want to tire them of my presence. I do not want to be an inconvenience. So I keep it to myself.

I am a mistress. And I do not just fuck.

This life, my life with him, is real. It's real. I see it in others as they, too, live it. The arguments, the faults and lies, the failures, the second chances, the insecurities. It is helping me as I get to know other's stories. It is helping me to cope. It is opening my mind to these realities. It is helping me accept that life has to have these pains. Out of these pains and heartache we grow. We become stronger. We learn some more. It doesn't end. The learning. It goes on and on and on. I am a lousy student. But I am deciding to keep going and not quit this kind of school. It's not that I do not have any choice. But it's because I owe it to myself, and I owe it to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with.

So this? All this slandering and stalking and issues hurled at me, I will not let them take me down. I have to keep going. We have to keep going. Right now, I keep this to myself. He is too busy making that life he dreams for me, for us. There's nothing wrong about it, even if at times he neglects me already. Even if a lot of times I get paranoid thinking of what ifs. I let that go for now. I am too weak for that right now. I have to save my energies for more realistic plans. For what is real, it is waiting for us. We will have that soon. Because we love. Because we are not just here to fuck.

Stop Blaming mistresses for broken marriages!

How can you be so sure, so absolute? Whoever wrote this doesn't know everything. Hey, I spread my legs to a married man and no, he didn't go back home to his wife. Because his wife is a money hungry lunatic bitch who only wanted his money and nothing else. Yes, he LEFT HIS WIFE for ME. Well, maybe yes, I am most likely not the only one. I caught the bastard several times. But I am that woman now, he comes home to no matter what. I won't settle for that. I catch him again and he loses his penis forever that I swear. I am definitely part of his future. Because he doesn't go anywhere else but by my side. So stop dreaming you stupid bitch who wrote this. All you wives who believe in this, dream on. I am a wife, too, and I left my husband because he's got one too many women, through the years he just would not stop. I know all that kind of pain, so stop talking like you know everything. You only know that part of the pain. You have never been in the situation where you spread your legs for a married man not just because you're plain horny but because you are too deeply in love with each other. Listen carefully. He left you because he didn't truly love you. LOVE. You haven't experienced that obviously so stop talking and advising others girls like you know everything. Stupid. If you are that woman who spread your legs for a married man and he left you and he went on to the next, then he didn't fall in love with you stupid. 

Letter to the legal wife

Yes, maybe you're right. It's I who destroyed your family. Your marriage. It's because of me that he left you and your kids. But you know what, he destroyed my marriage, too. He destroyed my family, too. I avoided him many times and pushed him away, but he was too persistent, even to the point of harassing me. He just wouldn't let go. It was him who made that first phone call. He was well aware of our situation. But he made that call anyway. It that started everything.

And you know what, if it wasn't me, it would be another girl ... other girls. I am sure of that. And he was sure of that. He said it was just a matter of time. Before me, there was someone else. A mistress. He was beginning to fall in love and then later he found out the girl was a high class prostitute. If it wasn't me, it was that girl. And just imagine what kind of life that would be for him if he would be with a high class prostitute. It would be worse, just try to imagine it. He always tells me I saved him. He always tells me I brought light to his darkened life. I guess he is right. After all these years, knowing him too well already, I think he is right. If it would be other girl, it will be worse than hell for him.

I didn't ruin your marriage. I didn't destroy your family. It was already crumbling before I came into the picture. It's the same thing for him. He didn't break my marriage. It was already dead long before he made that first phone call. So stop blaming me. Stop harassing me. Stop telling other people how a mistress took your husband away.  

Whatever happened to your marriage, it's not my fault. Whatever you were to him, is not my fault. You were a lying, manipulative, nymphomaniac bitch who took other men in your house while your husband was away working. When he told me he once came home finding other men's underwear, I knew that was the point of no return. For us. The fact that he told me that, I knew what that meant. And that started the chase, the obsession, the possession ... of me. He found a way out. He, too, was my way out. There was life waiting for us. And we took the risk. I'm sorry if you feel a thief came into your house and took everything away. I know one day soon, it will all make sense to you. Go on and live your own life, I will try my best not to keep you from flying. If I can help it.

PS: My problem is I am not done with revenge yet.

One day soon

It's all have sunk in already. The reality that I basically have a "mistress" ID. So they're stalking me through FB. It was horrifying to see my own photo being sent to me by one of her so-called friends. Lucky I was able to keep my cool and didn't give anything away. I have to stay where I am, not go down to any level, maybe lower than where I already am. I know I do not deserve any dignity at all, as far as what they think about me is concerned. I do not have any right to be happy, to reach my dreams, to live the life I deserve. But hey, what if I do? I know a lot of other "mistresses" living their life to the fullest. And the man I am with, he just wouldn't let go. Of our dreams, of our relationship, of me. And I read from somewhere that's more than enough reason to keep going and never give up on our journey no matter how difficult. My mistress story can be one of the few that will tell of love and forgiveness, and not the usual script you see in movies that is riddled with lust and hate. Those factors are somehow present in our story, no matter how much I try to conceal it, or deal with it in a way that doesn't scandalize our entire life and the life of our family, friends, those closest to us. Actually right now, if I can only let go of my emotions, I am enraged by the fact that these people have just proven to me that I am at their mercy. They can just spread my photos and tag me all they like. I am angry, because I feel I do not deserve it. I am angry because I know I do not have the right in any way to complain. A mistress deserves a life of hell, right? Anyway, enough with this rant. I will get over this soon. For now, I just have to cope. And keep going. One day soon, life will be better.

Yeah...