Damo damo ko subong sang gina kahisaaan. Na irita ko maka kita pictures or videos sang iban nga happy sila. Na bwisit ko. Ngaa sila lang. Ngaa sila lang?? Damo man nga bwisit man na gani nga mga tawo. Damo man sala. Mas damo pa gani guro sala sang sa akon. Pero ngaa ma kwa nila ya ila gusto quickly and easily? Kabudlay mag struggle nga indi ma hisa sa ila. Kabudlay mag struggle nga indi maging bitter.

Damo abnoy sa kalibutan a. Pinaka abnoy ka nga nakilala ko. Kon wala ka ya kalipay sa kabuhi mo nga laon ka nga punggudon ka indi na na ya akon problema. Ka linti nga punggod na imo. Abnoy ka nga laon ka.Abnoy nga ipokrita. Ka gaga sagay post sa facebook daw holy yuga mo nga ipokrita ka. Garok man ispiritu mo.

He's gone again. He's going back to where all of us can be safe for now. He made an effort yesterday to make it up to me, I know he knew what was that all about. I find it endearing, his ability to surprise me and make me feel like a queen. Too many different emotions are cramped in my heart right now, I really do not know how to deal with each of them, or all of them at the same time. If not for his temper, he is a great guy. Without his temper I can consider him perfect enough for me already. If only we can be happy already. If only we can have at least a short respite from all this pain and struggle. Lord have mercy on us.

Do I still have the right to heaven?

What does a woman like me deserve anyway? People would judge me for my status because what they see on the outside gives them enough right to do so. So given my reputation, given my immorality, do I still deserve to hope in the Lord? I wonder about that more often these days, in the face of uncertainty, in the face of danger, of humiliation, of poverty, of failure. I am right now at the lowest point of my life. Actually I have been down here for quite a long time now. I wonder until when I'm going to be here. I hope not forever. How to I remain joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer? Even taking a breath itself seems a daunting task these days. I take no blame on anyone for my life right now. This is the life I chose and I take responsibility for it. I hang on to whatever hope there is left in heaven for someone like me. 

All alone I cry. After everybody has gone, I cry. And cry. And cry. No one truly knows the pains this relationship has caused me. I cannot tell it to anybody. I cannot tell everything to anybody. I have to suffer this alone. I have to protect my son from all this. There are times when it's just too much to bear. But I have to protect myself from getting overwhelmed by thoughts lest it will cause me ugly things to think about. Right now, I feel so helpless. So hopeless. When will this going to end? I feel like a zombie. Living dead. Tani mapatay na lang gid sya tuod. Ano pa di iya purpose sa kalibutan? Para pasakitan ko asta manigulang ko? Gaba ko na ni guro kay hambal man nila kerida ko. Gin guba ko pamilya nya. Yes, I guess I deserve this. Sige sigeha na lang a. Bring it on. Halaha. Parumatay na lang ko. Asta ako man mapatay na. 

Pano ta pa ka palanggaon? Sipot sipot na gid ko. Ako man kinanglan sina. Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought of me? Kon ano man ya gakatabo sa akon? You're too busy looking after yourself nga nalipatan mo na nga ako traumatized man, in pain man, scared man. If only you have the slightest idea how scared I am, how scared I have been. Indi na ko sang amo ni nga life. San-o pa ni matapos. Asta san-o silutan ko sang Diyos tungod lang kay kerida ko. 

August 23, 2016

Today, August 23, over breakfast. Nagsugod sya mulay sa mga Muslim. In front of my son. I am trying to teach my son good values, not to be judgmental on anyone, on any race. Plus he's cursing them. "Mga gago". I replied "There are also Catholics who are like that. We are all the same. We all sin. Differently." All of a sudden nag burst out na iya mood. Esulat ko na di tanan. Sugod subong. Para sa pila ka adlaw kon ma reach ko na ang limit kag mag sige sya beg for another chance (ma ubos gid na ang another chance mo) epabasa ko na lang ni sa iya. Ang timeline. Ang pasunod sang mga events. He can lie to himself asta mapatay sya. Pero ang na record ko nga timeline indi nya mabutigan.Kada abuton sya gani, gusto ko mag lagyo. I want to run as far away as possible from him. And never come back. But subong kaya nya pa kmi sundon. Wala pa ko mahimo. So antuson ko ni tanan.

This will be the last time nga maka puli sya sa balay namon. Next time ako na ang makadto sa iya. So that I can spare my son sa mga mood swings, pamuyayaw, panghikay nya sa iban. Need ko e protect akon bata sa kon ano man ya ang iya gina agyan. Indi na na sala sang bata ko nga amo na sya. The past days daw gin kulbaan ko nga perte sa iya kabuot. Basi mapatay na sya. Tapos isa lang ka pitik, he's back to his usual, demonic state. I wish he's dead. I wish he will be dead soon. Kakapoy kapoy na gid sang life upod sa iya. Indi na ko a. Ma abroad na lang ko ya kag mangita kano nga maka buhi sa amon sang anak ko. I can't stay in that farm and forever mourn over the life nga gin dream namon duha kag wala na tuman kay tungod sang pagka lain sang batasan ya. Or tungod sang disorder ya. Or tungod sang sumpa sang lolo nya nga wala huya nga miskin patay na gina diktahan gyapon iya kabuhi.

La tsansa iya pa buot buot. Laban laban pa buot buot to sya kay guilty of something. Amo na sya sang nag testing sya biga biga sa bata sang timbang ko. Over ang attention sa akon kag pa buot buot. Pattern.  Last night may nanawag nga number. Basi gina pangita na sya. So mauyan nya na kami para kalakat naman sya. Ngaa indi nlang sya mag prangka. Wala man may nagahawid sa iya. Mas mayo gani maka kita na lang sya lain para lain naman ma lukdo sa iya. Kakapoy kapoy na gid.

Forgive me I'm a mess

You're angry, you're agitated
all the time you find reason to hate the world,
forgive me, I'm a mess.

You're depressed, you like sleeping
for days you sleep and for days you're up
forgive me, I'm a mess.

You're bipolar? Traumatized?
You're scared? Who knows what you're going through.
Forgive me, I'm a mess.

I'm a mess because I can be no good for you
I put more salt to your wound
most of the time, all of the time.

Forgive me I'm a mess,
I, too, am riddled with all this scars
most of the time, all of the time.

I am scared, I am lost
I do not have the slightest clue
where we should go from here.

Look at me I'm filthy

Gusto ko mag kaon durian. Gusto ko mag kadto sa Korean Restaurant. Gusto ko mag bakal new phone, mag shopping mga bayo kag shoes para sa bata ko. Gusto ko epa tiles ang salug sa balay. Gusto ko magpa takod aircon. Gusto ko mag travel, mag relax, mag overnight sa resort. Gusto ko mag kaon talaba sa Pta Taytay. Gusto ko mag kadto sa prayer house. Gusto ko magpa massage kag magpa spa. Gusto ko magpa opera sa akon keloid. Gusto ko magkuha timbang kag mag basa libro all day on weekends. Gusto ko magpa print sang akon book and launch it formally. Gusto ko mag bakal salakyan, learn driving and go on a road trip.

This and a lot more. For now I choose to tell these things into the dark night because everyone else in this world right now is so busy trying to get whay they want, too. Maybe one day I will be deserving of these simple things. I hope I am deserving. I've screwed up big time. I did things that many of those who know me would never ever think I could do. I own up to these mistakes. I want to be better, to rid myself of the past and its curse. I want to be clean enough to deserve all these things. I am so dirty. I am so filthy. I have been really bad. I need a good bath.