Umandam lang kamo tanan. Tanan kamo nga naga daug daug subong sa amon. Umandam lang kamo maka bangon kami. Pakita ko gid sa inyo pano ko mag balos.

sa pagkadamo sang mga abnoy sa kalibutan subong. pati officemate abnoy. sinumpa klase pangabuhi ni. ipokrita nga punggudon. gaga. ma post status message sa facebook nga daw santos ang gaga ya ipokrita. gaga ka nga punggudon ka. ma tapos di ang oras sa trabaho ta mayo kon maka tilaw ka pa sa akon bugno nga abnoy ka. hay ka dugay sang june. maka pahuway na ko sa abnoy nga officemate. puta ka nga gaga ka gina sumpa ko ang kada isa nga punggod mo nga gaga ka. umandam ka lang pila ka adlaw. lantawon ta sino sa aton duha ma antos. gaga ka nga bwisit ka nga laon ka nga punggudon ka!

Paki sang mga tawo sa polysistic ovary mo nga baghak ka. Wala na gid ya paangiran ang ka inta mo nga baghak ka. Mayo gani may masakit ka. Te tuduhe da dugo. Kabay pa mag hemorrhage ka. Kabay pa ma ubos tanan mo nga dugo, kabay pa magka cancer ovary mo. Deserve mo tanan nga sumpa nga pwede sa ka wala huya mo nga traidor ka!

If your husband (partner) does these 15 things, he’s the BEST husband ever

Not sure about the ones in red. But at least he's in most of the list. Feels nice reading this. Over and over and over again. Helps me focus on the positive side, on his good qualities, on his strength. The pains that the list in red has been unbearable for me. In fact I still struggle with them up till now, and I am not even actually sure will I ever get over them, the bad memories, the trauma, the feeling of being betrayed. But I'm still here, am I not? I guess that's enough proof that I love him with an intensity that nothing in this world can contend with. I could have just easily left him. But, yes, I am still here. Thank God for this list below. I will keep coming back to check on this every once in a while. When the world is dark and quiet and all I hear and see in my mind are ugly images of the past. 

If your husband (partner) does these 15 things, he’s the BEST husband ever

There is no perfect man; but if you have this rare type, appreciate him.

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Rachel De Castro

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• Many marriages end because of ingratitude. As time goes by, couples forget to appreciate the little things in life. But being grateful every day helps sweethearts stay happily married.
  Read5 ways you are unknowingly destroying your husband and killing your marriage
  Noticing and appreciating the things your husband does for you helps you see what really matters, rather than focusing on his flaws (which every man has). Your spouse is the most important person in your life, so do your marriage a favor and praise him for all these things he does for you:

• 1. He trusts you

  He doesn't doubt your actions.

• 2. He is loyal to you

  He has nothing to hide. You have access to everything in his life and know what he does.

• 3. He knows your tastes

  He knows your favorite chocolate, the kind of movies you like to watch and your hobbies.

• 4. He gives you some time to yourself

  If you want to go out with your friends, get a haircut or watch a movie alone, he doesn't care. He knows that sometimes you just need some alone time.

• 5. He remembers holidays

  He knows and prepares something special for the holidays that are important to you.

• 6. He helps you be better

  He does not accept any self-hate talk you throw at yourself. Instead, he helps you build confidence and encourages you to get up when you're discouraged.

• 7. He laughs at your jokes

  ... even when they are not funny.

• 8. He believes you

  He knows you'll be honest with him.

• 9. He laughs with you

  He makes you laugh and you have fun together.

• 10. He values your feelings

  He always takes into account how you feel.

• 11. You feel loved by him

  You just know you are the love of his life.

• 12. He makes your complicated life easier

  He gives solutions and seeks to avoid conflicts.

• 13. He helps you with house work

  He washes the dishes and takes care of the kids without you even asking.

• 14. He consoles you when you're sad

  He doesn't like to see you upset and does everything he can to make you feel better.

• 15. He adores ​​your smile

  He tries to see your smile every day.

Damo damo ko subong sang gina kahisaaan. Na irita ko maka kita pictures or videos sang iban nga happy sila. Na bwisit ko. Ngaa sila lang. Ngaa sila lang?? Damo man nga bwisit man na gani nga mga tawo. Damo man sala. Mas damo pa gani guro sala sang sa akon. Pero ngaa ma kwa nila ya ila gusto quickly and easily? Kabudlay mag struggle nga indi ma hisa sa ila. Kabudlay mag struggle nga indi maging bitter.

Damo abnoy sa kalibutan a. Pinaka abnoy ka nga nakilala ko. Kon wala ka ya kalipay sa kabuhi mo nga laon ka nga punggudon ka indi na na ya akon problema. Ka linti nga punggod na imo. Abnoy ka nga laon ka.Abnoy nga ipokrita. Ka gaga sagay post sa facebook daw holy yuga mo nga ipokrita ka. Garok man ispiritu mo.

He's gone again. He's going back to where all of us can be safe for now. He made an effort yesterday to make it up to me, I know he knew what was that all about. I find it endearing, his ability to surprise me and make me feel like a queen. Too many different emotions are cramped in my heart right now, I really do not know how to deal with each of them, or all of them at the same time. If not for his temper, he is a great guy. Without his temper I can consider him perfect enough for me already. If only we can be happy already. If only we can have at least a short respite from all this pain and struggle. Lord have mercy on us.

Do I still have the right to heaven?

What does a woman like me deserve anyway? People would judge me for my status because what they see on the outside gives them enough right to do so. So given my reputation, given my immorality, do I still deserve to hope in the Lord? I wonder about that more often these days, in the face of uncertainty, in the face of danger, of humiliation, of poverty, of failure. I am right now at the lowest point of my life. Actually I have been down here for quite a long time now. I wonder until when I'm going to be here. I hope not forever. How to I remain joyful in hope, patient in affliction and faithful in prayer? Even taking a breath itself seems a daunting task these days. I take no blame on anyone for my life right now. This is the life I chose and I take responsibility for it. I hang on to whatever hope there is left in heaven for someone like me. 

All alone I cry. After everybody has gone, I cry. And cry. And cry. No one truly knows the pains this relationship has caused me. I cannot tell it to anybody. I cannot tell everything to anybody. I have to suffer this alone. I have to protect my son from all this. There are times when it's just too much to bear. But I have to protect myself from getting overwhelmed by thoughts lest it will cause me ugly things to think about. Right now, I feel so helpless. So hopeless. When will this going to end? I feel like a zombie. Living dead. Tani mapatay na lang gid sya tuod. Ano pa di iya purpose sa kalibutan? Para pasakitan ko asta manigulang ko? Gaba ko na ni guro kay hambal man nila kerida ko. Gin guba ko pamilya nya. Yes, I guess I deserve this. Sige sigeha na lang a. Bring it on. Halaha. Parumatay na lang ko. Asta ako man mapatay na. 

Pano ta pa ka palanggaon? Sipot sipot na gid ko. Ako man kinanglan sina. Have you ever thought of that? Have you ever thought of me? Kon ano man ya gakatabo sa akon? You're too busy looking after yourself nga nalipatan mo na nga ako traumatized man, in pain man, scared man. If only you have the slightest idea how scared I am, how scared I have been. Indi na ko sang amo ni nga life. San-o pa ni matapos. Asta san-o silutan ko sang Diyos tungod lang kay kerida ko. 

August 23, 2016

Today, August 23, over breakfast. Nagsugod sya mulay sa mga Muslim. In front of my son. I am trying to teach my son good values, not to be judgmental on anyone, on any race. Plus he's cursing them. "Mga gago". I replied "There are also Catholics who are like that. We are all the same. We all sin. Differently." All of a sudden nag burst out na iya mood. Esulat ko na di tanan. Sugod subong. Para sa pila ka adlaw kon ma reach ko na ang limit kag mag sige sya beg for another chance (ma ubos gid na ang another chance mo) epabasa ko na lang ni sa iya. Ang timeline. Ang pasunod sang mga events. He can lie to himself asta mapatay sya. Pero ang na record ko nga timeline indi nya mabutigan.Kada abuton sya gani, gusto ko mag lagyo. I want to run as far away as possible from him. And never come back. But subong kaya nya pa kmi sundon. Wala pa ko mahimo. So antuson ko ni tanan.

This will be the last time nga maka puli sya sa balay namon. Next time ako na ang makadto sa iya. So that I can spare my son sa mga mood swings, pamuyayaw, panghikay nya sa iban. Need ko e protect akon bata sa kon ano man ya ang iya gina agyan. Indi na na sala sang bata ko nga amo na sya. The past days daw gin kulbaan ko nga perte sa iya kabuot. Basi mapatay na sya. Tapos isa lang ka pitik, he's back to his usual, demonic state. I wish he's dead. I wish he will be dead soon. Kakapoy kapoy na gid sang life upod sa iya. Indi na ko a. Ma abroad na lang ko ya kag mangita kano nga maka buhi sa amon sang anak ko. I can't stay in that farm and forever mourn over the life nga gin dream namon duha kag wala na tuman kay tungod sang pagka lain sang batasan ya. Or tungod sang disorder ya. Or tungod sang sumpa sang lolo nya nga wala huya nga miskin patay na gina diktahan gyapon iya kabuhi.

La tsansa iya pa buot buot. Laban laban pa buot buot to sya kay guilty of something. Amo na sya sang nag testing sya biga biga sa bata sang timbang ko. Over ang attention sa akon kag pa buot buot. Pattern.  Last night may nanawag nga number. Basi gina pangita na sya. So mauyan nya na kami para kalakat naman sya. Ngaa indi nlang sya mag prangka. Wala man may nagahawid sa iya. Mas mayo gani maka kita na lang sya lain para lain naman ma lukdo sa iya. Kakapoy kapoy na gid.

Forgive me I'm a mess

You're angry, you're agitated
all the time you find reason to hate the world,
forgive me, I'm a mess.

You're depressed, you like sleeping
for days you sleep and for days you're up
forgive me, I'm a mess.

You're bipolar? Traumatized?
You're scared? Who knows what you're going through.
Forgive me, I'm a mess.

I'm a mess because I can be no good for you
I put more salt to your wound
most of the time, all of the time.

Forgive me I'm a mess,
I, too, am riddled with all this scars
most of the time, all of the time.

I am scared, I am lost
I do not have the slightest clue
where we should go from here.

Look at me I'm filthy

Gusto ko mag kaon durian. Gusto ko mag kadto sa Korean Restaurant. Gusto ko mag bakal new phone, mag shopping mga bayo kag shoes para sa bata ko. Gusto ko epa tiles ang salug sa balay. Gusto ko magpa takod aircon. Gusto ko mag travel, mag relax, mag overnight sa resort. Gusto ko mag kaon talaba sa Pta Taytay. Gusto ko mag kadto sa prayer house. Gusto ko magpa massage kag magpa spa. Gusto ko magpa opera sa akon keloid. Gusto ko magkuha timbang kag mag basa libro all day on weekends. Gusto ko magpa print sang akon book and launch it formally. Gusto ko mag bakal salakyan, learn driving and go on a road trip.

This and a lot more. For now I choose to tell these things into the dark night because everyone else in this world right now is so busy trying to get whay they want, too. Maybe one day I will be deserving of these simple things. I hope I am deserving. I've screwed up big time. I did things that many of those who know me would never ever think I could do. I own up to these mistakes. I want to be better, to rid myself of the past and its curse. I want to be clean enough to deserve all these things. I am so dirty. I am so filthy. I have been really bad. I need a good bath.

The Long Wait

The Long Wait. That's what I call my journey now. For all of my life I live within the means. Never had the luxury of spending for what I want and like. I'm not poor compared to others of course I can still buy clothes shoes and bags if needed. IF NEEDED. How pathetic. Considering that I've always been very hardworking. I don't like sleeping long hours, I do not like bumming around on TV all day. It gives me headache. It makes me feel useless. You see, I have this energy of a millionaire. But staying in this job for two decades now have curtailed every capacity for some millions.

This is my last year in this office. A lot has happened to me in 18 years. Who would have thought that a simple, silent, level headed righteous young lad would end up become a mistress. (I still resent using that word because for me a mistress is someone who is maintained by a married man while still going home to his family.) I do not fit in that classification. He left her for too many reasons and that's not my problem anymore. At some point I became a mother to his two young children because the bitch mother left them out of the blue, went to Malaysia to be with her man. There were talks that she only went there because she's pregnant and she needed a place away so she can deliver her child. She was gone for only over a year, working permits/ visas usually requires two years stay in the place. Well, my being a mother to her kids was short lived, no matter how well I did. The moment she reappeared, the crown was hers again. And to add salt to my wounds, she is currently enjoying all the vindication. It's too painful for me to elaborate here, I am still actually quite confused how could that happen. I am still struggling to accept that. But come to think of it, the life she is living right now, that's answers to my prayers. For her. Yes, I prayed for her, I almost forgot that. I prayed for God to send her someone who would fall madly truly deeply for her and would make her happy. It seems that she found the one, giving her not just love but all the luxuries he can afford like a brand new latest model car. I am envious. I deserve that life, too. I am a good person. Taking her husband for myself is not entirely my fault, anyway. But well, who can I argue with? Only myself. Because no one would understand.

So now, I keep a stiff upper lip as I await my turn. I know it will happen. I just have to keep still and try not to complain too much, not to hate too much, not to watch them all the time and how happy they are with their lives. I have to keep myself disciplined and just stay still. The long wait will be over soon, before I know it. I go through this, day, after day, hour after hour. It will all be over soon.

I have to let you go

It's not easy being angry and hateful all the time. It takes up so much of my energy, affecting my capacity to connect with those I love. I am consumed by vengeance and bitterness because of what they have done to me. I never run out of reasons for being angry at them. There are times when I've got nothing else to do, and in an instant I remember them and start feeling hateful, and the rest of my day, week, weeks and even months, I spend it hating them. And I end up not achieving so much in my life. Right now, I am slowly realizing the damage it costs not only them, but us, me, him, my own son, his own children. Practically everybody. What if I let go of this anger? What if I reach out, ask for forgiveness and forgive them, too? I have tried imagining such reality and somehow I like it. Maybe it can work. Maybe we can try that one day. I want to be free, to be able to live my life happy and not causing anyone pain. I've caused them so much pain, even if I did not really intend it. Or maybe I did. Well, I did actually. Because I wanted her husband for myself alone. That, or never. I was willing to leave him to her. But he wouldn't want that. He said he'd die without me in his life. It was never ending chase. He wanted me. He would die without me. And that started our forever. Yes, this is going to be forever. While we're here, while we live. Death will bring us apart. Not even death I guess. He keeps asking God to let him be with me even when we reach heaven.

You see, there is nothing much you can do about it. So I guess we both have to try and accept things as they are. I cannot hate you forever. I do not want to be bound in such a spell or a curse if I may call it. It seems that you have your life going with someone head over heels for you. You should thank me for that. For a long time I prayed for God to send you someone who will love you truly madly deeply. And right now I realize I shouldn't be envious. Because I prayed for that to happen to you. I should be happy. Even if right now I am in the midst of my own suffering, I should hold myself and not get too affected by the kind of life you have already. You may not deserve that the way I see it for now but that should be enough for me to find relief. In that way you won't be bothering us anymore. I've experienced so much shame because of you. You have no idea what pain you caused me. But I can now let that go because you are free now and you will be starting your own journey to forever. May you be happy. I Wish you well. Please be happy. And everyday I will pray that one day soon, I can see you and ask for forgiveness personally. For now may this suffice. I am not completely free. I am still struggling. But I'm hoping to get there. Where you are. Free. Happy. Couldn't care less. May God have mercy on me and help me in this journey. The way that he has helped you.

I think I really have to try and let go of the need to know everything all the time. I have to learn to chill a little bit. I cannot force people to keep up with my pace. If this is my pace then so be it. I'll keep at it. It's up to them to keep up or not. I am my own woman. I've always been independent. The reason why I'm stressed like this is because I rested in my laurels. I want to take control again, of my own plans, of my own schedules, of my own targets. I have to stop acting like an insecure jealous wife, it's been overly done, that part of me. Have to let that go. Have to find my own interests again and engage myself in activities that can help me in my depression, too. Most of all I have to achieve something. Do something by myself, I cannot depend it on others anymore and wait forever for the result. Please God help me. Sometimes I do not know myself anymore. Is this wrong? To want to take control and not trust/rely on others to do things for me/for us?

I'm Tired

I'm tired of hating. It's eating me up. I have to get past this. I have to stop being bitter. I have to take charge and take control. Bitterness, hostility, rage. They have to go. It's punishment.

Wait Till I Have It All

I need to get rich as soon as possible. I need to get rich already. That's the only way for me to stop all this anger and bitterness. I'm like this because I feel I do not deserve this. It seems that she's the one getting the vindication. Why? How? Because she's the legal wife? She has all the vindication? I am a wife, too. And so many other women broke my heart each time I caught my husband with them. Where is my vindication? I want my vindication. I've been here for so long without any hope of finding the light.

Hero Mistress

Wala ka pa right maging happy subong. Not while I'm still miserable. Sa imo ko epa upok tanan nga kaakig ko sa kalibutan. Isa ka sa nagpa miserable gid sa kabuhi ko. Years ko gin endure na ang kahuy-anan nga gin hatag mo sa akon, as if ako lang may sala nga-a nag bulagay kamo. Bwisit ka dugay na kamo guba ya. Hisaan ka. Te kay indi na sa imo kay baghak ka, ako paka huy-an mo. Pwes indi ta man ka untatan pakahuya nga mango ka.

I swear I won't stop. Until I've got all I need in this journey. As soon as okay na ko, promise untatan ta na ka. Provided untatan mo man ko. I will be rich. I will have all that I need. We will have all that we need to get the children and have them back with us. Kwarta lang katapat mo nga swindler ka. Indi man gid ko amo na kalain nga klase tawo a. It just so happens nga gin daug daug nyo ko miskin indi lang ako ang may sala. Ngaa sa akon mo e basul tanan. Pwes I'll do the same. Te subong, sa imo ko man ebasul tanan okay lang? So while I'm miserable this way, antos ka man okay? Besides, it's not entirely my fault ngaa ma antos ka. Imo man na hinimuan tanan nga pakahuya mo sa lawas mo. Manginto ka tawo imo na ya sala. Gin expose ko lang para wala na sang dugang nga ma intuan. I'm a hero you know. Akig ko sa mga hisaan. Akig ko sa mga hilabtira. Akig ko sa mga hilabtira. Akig ko sa mga legal wife nga feeling wife. Excuse me lang da a. Basi gusto mo mabal-an kng ano sya kahikay sa imo nga itom ilok ka. He chose me, you know. That's clear enough reason for your to shut the fuck up. Ang please lang tell that mother in law of yours nga pareho man sa imo nga nymphomaniac, it wasn't I who ruined her son's life. It was her, it was you. Kamo duha nag tandem para gubaon kabuhi nya. You want me to elaborate, isa isahon ko paano nag tarong kabuhi nya sang isa kami ka pamilya, sang ara ang mga bata sa amon. That stupid mother in law of yours, she knows how happy the kids were when they're with us.  You want to know? Kon isog ka gid, hibalua. It's only for the faint of heart. Sa ka hisaan mo, indi mo makayanan mabatian kon ano ka happy sang mga bata under my care. Kon papano ko gin tudluan ang ila amay pano mangin mayo nga amay sa ila. Ask your kids and they will tell you how good I was to them. Try lang. 

This is my story

Why do I always have to look for a place where no one knows me. Why do I have to say things to myself only and not expect others to hear and understand. I'm forty now, I thought reaching this age would mean saying goodbye to those younger years when I was so full of angst, always misunderstood, always feeling empty and lonely. I feel funny starting this incognito blog where I can express anything without fearing that I will be judged. But I guess this is better than taking the risk of being misunderstand and criticized. I've done things in my life. Things that some people in my life are not happy about. I know I made mistakes. And I regret doing them. Had I known things would come to this, I wouldn't have fooled myself and choose to believe that I would get through it unscathed. What's even more terrible is that I've dragged my son along in the process. This page is going to be about the life story of an adulterer. This is not to gather sympathy, this is not to justify what I did in my life, but this is just simply for me to be able to let it all out and maybe for people to try and open their minds to the realities of life that not so many are brave enough to confront. I in the process am learning the same. I used to be so quick to judge. I hated mistresses with a passion. I helped friends go after their husband's mistress. I lived a fairly normal life. I was active in church, a youth leader, I was wholesome in many ways. I've had a fair number of suitors ever since I was in High school. But I vowed to myself I won't get into a relationship until I finished college. I was 24 when I first had a boyfriend. It was after about 5 months when we had our first kiss. Sex came roughly about a year after into the relationship. I would rather not look back into those days. I wasn't in love obviously. Because if I was it would be a bliss recalling those moments. Thing is, I was continually feeling lost. I wanted desperately to belong, to feel needed, to feel important. But that relationship only made me feel even worse. The rejection came in many forms. He wouldn't make an effort to call me often, come visit me, or take me out on a date. Our first date? I had to spend for it. I had to give the money to him so he would be the one to pay our restaurant dinner. Pathetic isn't it? Our first valentine's day together, I didn't receive any flower, no love letter, nothing. I made a compilation of poetry for him. I felt funny giving it to him. Almost embarrassed. I can go on and on talking about how that relationship sucked. Bottom line is, I wasn't at all happy. I just made myself believe that I was. But in reality it was a continual struggle to feel loved, desired, needed. Just imagine how worse it had become during marriage. Dry, sexless, boring marriage. At some point I wondered did I marry a gay? But then again I caught him one too many times flirting with other girls on the phone and thru the internet. That caused arguments, really ugly arguments.

So yeah, marriage was equally mundane and so full of hate. Talking about it now I feel this surge of self-pity. Why is it so easy for others to be happy? Why am I so unlucky with my choices? What did I do wrong? All through my life, all I can remember is that I always struggle to feel loved and accepted. I am not the type who push myself on someone, in fact I do not have any trouble fitting in. I am always popular in school. I joined and led several organizations back when I was in school. But the struggle is deep within. It's never obvious. I don't think anybody even noticed it. I was the type who was quiet, shy, but somehow excelled in whatever I did. I guess that made me attractive to boys.

Boys. Why do they always fall for strong women. Like me. And leave us to rot alone when all else fails. I have never come across a love story of a strong woman that ends in a happy note. I guess men, chauvinists bastards that they are, in the end resent the very quality that at first they find attractive in a woman. I am strong. Strong willed, determined, independent, intelligent, I can stand on my own. And in my failed relationship, it's being accused against me. I'm too strong. How ironic. Right now, how I wish I am that strong. I need that strength now. I'm in so much need of it.

Because I fell in love

"Darating ang panahon na magmamahal ka, at hindi mo alam kung sino ang ititibok nang puso mo."  Watching an indie film and these line struck me. Indeed, I fell in love, madly deeply in love and with what the society calls a wrong man. Wrong, because he's married. Well, when I started sharing a life with him, I discovered many more reasons why he's wrong. In so many ways he was and maybe still is. All the darkness that our relationship has caused us, it took its toll on him. Depression can be so
ugly. I cannot one by one enumerate everything that I have suffered but right now, somehow we have managed it. Depression made him wrong, for me and for my son. I managed to protect my family from all this, my parents especially. I got myself into this, I will go through this alone. This man, this wrong man is the one that I love and risked my life for. He is in every way worth the pain, he is worth it. Our situation, no matter how ugly, has helped me see life from a different perspective. I am more open now, more enduring, more understanding. I know I can make it through, night after night. My heart starting beating for someone who sacrificed everything for me, literally left everything for me. He wanted me so bad. I wanted him so bad. There were so many moments of bliss. And now that things have become ugly, love has to endure. This is what love is about.

Your Husband Dated A Strong Woman, and that's me.

I am not completely like this. For one, I am a strong woman, but I'd like to be given roses and poems and to be promised the moon at the stars. I like moonlit kisses, and petals of roses on the bed. Your husband did all these things for me, and more. Yes, MORE. Not one of them he did for you and with you at all. There was one time when he tried giving you a bouquet of roses for your anniversary. Hey, bitch, you should thank me for it because it was I who asked, no, not asked but "told". I told him to do that. That was the time when I was playing my role as a good friend to him by helping him save his marriage. You see, it was long over before I even decided to finally meet up with him. This is the strong woman that your husband dated. He never left my side since.

A strong woman is a not force to be reckoned with. She is more real than kind, but also more kind than most people you will ever meet. She knows what she deserves and she knows exactly how she should be treated. So, to date a strong woman, you also must be strong.  

A strong woman wants to always be treated with respect. You don’t have to give her a dozen red roses on Valentine’s day, you don’t have to woo her with sweet handwritten poems, and you don’t even have to give her anything for her birthday.

But, you better be damn sure that you tell her what she means to you. You better be damn sure you always let her know that she is never alone, even if she tries to put up a wall between you two.

To date a strong woman, you need to be able to man the f**k up. With all the cracks her heart has endured through the years, she has turned it into steel. But, you need to break down those barriers and see what’s inside. You need to be able to hear her story and not run. You need to be able to hold her hand through the times when she doesn’t seem so strong anymore and through the times when she is flying on top of the world. Never stop vocalizing to her about how she makes you feel. You don’t have to put rose petals on the ground to do this. You don’t even need to give her a diamond ring on her shaking finger.

You just need to say it loud, and proud, with any hesitation.

Because, although she is strong and mighty, she is also human. And humans can break. Humans can hurt. And humans can have trouble feeling like they are never good enough.

She just wants to be enough for you. She wants to make you happy and to see you smile when she kisses you out of the blue. She just wants to make your heart beat a little faster when you see her driving in your driveway. She just wants the little reminders that she is enough.

She needs to know that she is always enough.

To date and to love a strong woman, you need to validate this need. You need to step up your game, forget your ego, and give her reassurance that she is beautiful. She doesn’t need to play pretend for you, or put on her pounds of makeup. She doesn’t need to make you chocolate covered strawberries for you on Valentine’s day or squeeze into a little black dress for your anniversary.

And when you finally realize that you are falling for her, please don’t hide. Don’t run away. Don’t be scared. Just say it. Because when you tell a strong woman you love her, she will believe you. And you better be damn sure you do, because if you break a strong woman’s heart, she won’t give you a second chance.

And she will always know, that she is worth so much more than a false whisper of “I love you”. 

source: http://thoughtcatalog.com/

Hush my heart

I want all this hate to be over. I do not like myself hating so much, resenting so much, hurting so much. I hate because I hurt. So much. I hate because they hurt me. So much. They do not know anything about me and how much I have suffered. And yet they keep kicking on me, spitting on me. That's why I hate them. So much. That's why I keep on with this revenge. That's why I cannot stop. But I am tired already. My heart is so tired already from all this hating. I wish I can stop. Please Lord grant me the grace to stop. I want to live my life the way that it was designed to be. Please help me. I want to stop. I just want to rest already. I know that they are not stopping either. I just feel that I have to defend myself. No else can do that for me. No one else. Even this, the things that I keep in my heart, no one else is there to listen and understand. I am basically alone. I do not tell anybody because I do not want to tire them of my presence. I do not want to be an inconvenience. So I keep it to myself.

I am a mistress. And I do not just fuck.

This life, my life with him, is real. It's real. I see it in others as they, too, live it. The arguments, the faults and lies, the failures, the second chances, the insecurities. It is helping me as I get to know other's stories. It is helping me to cope. It is opening my mind to these realities. It is helping me accept that life has to have these pains. Out of these pains and heartache we grow. We become stronger. We learn some more. It doesn't end. The learning. It goes on and on and on. I am a lousy student. But I am deciding to keep going and not quit this kind of school. It's not that I do not have any choice. But it's because I owe it to myself, and I owe it to the man I chose to spend the rest of my life with.

So this? All this slandering and stalking and issues hurled at me, I will not let them take me down. I have to keep going. We have to keep going. Right now, I keep this to myself. He is too busy making that life he dreams for me, for us. There's nothing wrong about it, even if at times he neglects me already. Even if a lot of times I get paranoid thinking of what ifs. I let that go for now. I am too weak for that right now. I have to save my energies for more realistic plans. For what is real, it is waiting for us. We will have that soon. Because we love. Because we are not just here to fuck.

Stop Blaming mistresses for broken marriages!

How can you be so sure, so absolute? Whoever wrote this doesn't know everything. Hey, I spread my legs to a married man and no, he didn't go back home to his wife. Because his wife is a money hungry lunatic bitch who only wanted his money and nothing else. Yes, he LEFT HIS WIFE for ME. Well, maybe yes, I am most likely not the only one. I caught the bastard several times. But I am that woman now, he comes home to no matter what. I won't settle for that. I catch him again and he loses his penis forever that I swear. I am definitely part of his future. Because he doesn't go anywhere else but by my side. So stop dreaming you stupid bitch who wrote this. All you wives who believe in this, dream on. I am a wife, too, and I left my husband because he's got one too many women, through the years he just would not stop. I know all that kind of pain, so stop talking like you know everything. You only know that part of the pain. You have never been in the situation where you spread your legs for a married man not just because you're plain horny but because you are too deeply in love with each other. Listen carefully. He left you because he didn't truly love you. LOVE. You haven't experienced that obviously so stop talking and advising others girls like you know everything. Stupid. If you are that woman who spread your legs for a married man and he left you and he went on to the next, then he didn't fall in love with you stupid. 

Letter to the legal wife

Yes, maybe you're right. It's I who destroyed your family. Your marriage. It's because of me that he left you and your kids. But you know what, he destroyed my marriage, too. He destroyed my family, too. I avoided him many times and pushed him away, but he was too persistent, even to the point of harassing me. He just wouldn't let go. It was him who made that first phone call. He was well aware of our situation. But he made that call anyway. It that started everything.

And you know what, if it wasn't me, it would be another girl ... other girls. I am sure of that. And he was sure of that. He said it was just a matter of time. Before me, there was someone else. A mistress. He was beginning to fall in love and then later he found out the girl was a high class prostitute. If it wasn't me, it was that girl. And just imagine what kind of life that would be for him if he would be with a high class prostitute. It would be worse, just try to imagine it. He always tells me I saved him. He always tells me I brought light to his darkened life. I guess he is right. After all these years, knowing him too well already, I think he is right. If it would be other girl, it will be worse than hell for him.

I didn't ruin your marriage. I didn't destroy your family. It was already crumbling before I came into the picture. It's the same thing for him. He didn't break my marriage. It was already dead long before he made that first phone call. So stop blaming me. Stop harassing me. Stop telling other people how a mistress took your husband away.  

Whatever happened to your marriage, it's not my fault. Whatever you were to him, is not my fault. You were a lying, manipulative, nymphomaniac bitch who took other men in your house while your husband was away working. When he told me he once came home finding other men's underwear, I knew that was the point of no return. For us. The fact that he told me that, I knew what that meant. And that started the chase, the obsession, the possession ... of me. He found a way out. He, too, was my way out. There was life waiting for us. And we took the risk. I'm sorry if you feel a thief came into your house and took everything away. I know one day soon, it will all make sense to you. Go on and live your own life, I will try my best not to keep you from flying. If I can help it.

PS: My problem is I am not done with revenge yet.

One day soon

It's all have sunk in already. The reality that I basically have a "mistress" ID. So they're stalking me through FB. It was horrifying to see my own photo being sent to me by one of her so-called friends. Lucky I was able to keep my cool and didn't give anything away. I have to stay where I am, not go down to any level, maybe lower than where I already am. I know I do not deserve any dignity at all, as far as what they think about me is concerned. I do not have any right to be happy, to reach my dreams, to live the life I deserve. But hey, what if I do? I know a lot of other "mistresses" living their life to the fullest. And the man I am with, he just wouldn't let go. Of our dreams, of our relationship, of me. And I read from somewhere that's more than enough reason to keep going and never give up on our journey no matter how difficult. My mistress story can be one of the few that will tell of love and forgiveness, and not the usual script you see in movies that is riddled with lust and hate. Those factors are somehow present in our story, no matter how much I try to conceal it, or deal with it in a way that doesn't scandalize our entire life and the life of our family, friends, those closest to us. Actually right now, if I can only let go of my emotions, I am enraged by the fact that these people have just proven to me that I am at their mercy. They can just spread my photos and tag me all they like. I am angry, because I feel I do not deserve it. I am angry because I know I do not have the right in any way to complain. A mistress deserves a life of hell, right? Anyway, enough with this rant. I will get over this soon. For now, I just have to cope. And keep going. One day soon, life will be better.

Yeah...

Praying

There are times when I find it very hard to pray. Being tagged as an immoral makes me feel I am not worthy to touch the Lord's hem. Even just his hem. I feel so dirty. So undeserving. I feel that I deserve all this suffering because I am dirty. Right now, I am buried in desperation. How and when things will be lighter, brighter? There are so many things I want to have, to do, to make up for. I want to make it up to my parents, for causing them heartache. I want to provide for them the best that I can possibly give. I want to give them a good life, make them experience paradise in my farm. Please Lord have mercy on us. Give me this chance. Please just one more year. I am begging you for it. Just one more year Lord. I want to give them the best. I want to give them more than what they need and want. Even just for that. They've been suffering too much all their life. They deserve to be happy with the things that they want. I just want to just let them be and enjoy the remaining years of their life. I supposed there is nothing wrong with that. Please help us. Please help me. I do not know what to do right now but I look to the light at the end of this very very long dark tunnel. Please help me.

I've done so many things wrong. I want to make it up to them. To others around me. I want to pay it back. I want to give. But I cannot to that if I am empty and dried out. I've been dried out most of of the time. Most of my life. Only you can help me. Please, let me touch the hem of your robe. Please. And deliver us from this hell that we are in right now. Have mercy and forgive us for all that we did wrong. Please give us a second chance at life. Please Lord have mercy on us.

Self Help for Trauma

Today I found myself searching through google for this key words: Self Help for Trauma. I think no one could ever understand right now the hell I keep going through each day. Everything that has happened in our home when he was still staying/living with us. The cocking of gun, the throwing of gun where my son and I were seated, the broken things at home, the banging of the wall and doors, the shouting, the threats. Countless times he would say he would kill me, he kept saying he can do that very easily, just one second and I'm gone. The countless times I would cry quietly so that my son will not hear it.

I wish one day soon he will read this. I wish he can pay attention and understand what it cost him, what it cost us. So many times I would say I did nothing wrong but he would be so very much convinced that I am a whore. If only there is a way. Maybe next year, when I will have all the money for our counselling. But right now, it looks impossible for me. How can I feel romantic with him when I have to go through all this in my head every day. Yet I know my situation is not impossible. No matter how difficult and painful it is, it is not impossible. A lot of women go through this and even worse than the situation where I am in.


 

I am not like any of these mistresses

Today, Ive been watching two consecutive "mistress" movies. Cried buckets because I can very well relate to the lines, situations, confrontations, emotions, lies, deceit. I experienced everything. Things unimaginable. Pains unimaginable. Suffering that has never even been named yet. I had them. But the only thing I cannot relate to these two movies is the fact that the mistresses never ended up with the love of their life. I am still together with him. In spite of all that has happened to us, we are still together. He still wants me. Sticks around. And building our future together. On the outside, people would see that he left his wife and two children for me. But I cannot really accept that. I didn't destroy any family. Come to think of it, he also destroyed my own family. But this isn't anymore a question of who did who. Like the characters in the movies, people can just be careless. "Sometimes people do horrible things when they’re hurt." This is how affairs usually start. It how it started with us. And we realized that somewhere along the way, but we chose to rise above all this and become better than we already were. It is still a work in progress. We are a work in progress. He has already hurt me a thousand times. At one point I saw a monster in him. But I'm still here am I not. Because he is still here. Amidst all this darkness he is still around. I am not like any mistress that men use and then left to die of loneliness. Maybe that's worth enough reason for me to stay as well.

It’s any of us, it’s you, and it’s me. And we haven’t found it for all the reasons in the world. Because guys just suck even more as they get older, because dating is hard as hell once you’re out of school and in the real world, because who in the world knows how to be consistent and communicate in the day of age where our apps are changing every two weeks. It’s not like we don’t try. Don’t get me wrong; I’ve done the apps. I’ve tried the OkCupid, the Tinder, the swiping left on the millions of guys that also have resorted to that option because I just don’t know where else to look. And this is the part where you’re gonna tell me, “Don’t look, let him find you.” Where? In the female populated profession that I decided to choose? While I’m working 10 hour shifts to go home and collapse in my bed? At this point, the only way he will find me is if he so happens to break into my apartment, and honestly, that’s not how I hope to meet Prince Charming. The worst part is that I know he’s out there. He’s somewhere in the grocery aisle, wishing he had a great recipe for mac and cheese, and waiting for me to enter in his life. But I’m tired of waiting for him. He needs to jump on an Uber and come to me because his two feet are simply not working fast enough. He’s out there though. And I want to meet him. Have you ever felt that you have all this love to give and no one to give it to? Yeah, family and friends are nice and of course, we love ourselves, but we want to surprise someone at work with lunch on a rough day, or hold their hand in a movie at a really scary part, or man, dare I say, fall asleep on someone’s chest. It really is the simple things that we want, but we can’t seem to find it from anyone, anywhere. I refuse to believe that love won’t be mine one day. It’s hard to fight that belief on some days, I’ll be honest, but one thing I’m realizing is that you can’t force love. And we can’t find it, we, well I’ll say me, I start thinking the problem is me. It’s not even that I’m looking. I go to work, go to my apartment, and go to see my family. If anything, I’m not giving myself an opportunity to look. But I’ve encountered men in my life who have caught my attention. They have made me wonder, “what if?” But they don’t seem to reciprocate the feeling back. So then I’m wondering, am I just undateable? Am I just unlovable? Am I grotesque? Am I destined to be a tea lady who has a lot of owls?(long story) I don’t know about you, but I refuse to believe that. I refuse to believe that love won’t be mine one day. It’s hard to fight that belief on some days, I’ll be honest, but one thing I’m realizing is that you can’t force love. Yeah you may want it, crave it, desire it, but if you force it, it still won’t satisfy that hunger. It’ll still leave you with that empty feeling in your stomach asking, “is this really it?” Who wants that? I haven’t found love yet, but I want it to be magical. I still believe in fairytales and happy endings. I want the love I find to be the heater to my cold nights, the ice cream on my happy days, the light in this world that seems to get darker and darker by the day. I want that love to come to show me that all the past frogs were frogs for a reason. They left me hungry, and I’ll finally know why. I haven’t found love yet, but when I do. Man. Let’s just say I can’t wait to finally feel what it’s like to be full. TC mark Cataloged inFaling In LoveFinding LoveHeartHeart CatalogLoveLove & DatingLove & RelationshipsLove & RomanceLove and RelationshipsWriting & Expression Ashley Jones

Nahisa ko sa mga happy. Nahisa ko sa mga naga pakasal. Sa mga naga renew weddings vows. Some of these couples I know personally. And yes, true love does exist. That's why nahisa ko sa ila. Kay ngaa indi pwede sa akon kag pwede ya sa ila. Siguro amo gid man ni ang bagay sa mga kerida nga gapang agaw bana nga pareho sa akon. Kag amo gid man na guro ang bagay sa mga kerido nga nagapang agaw asawa nga pareho sa iya. Amo ni ang bagay sa amon nga duha. Forever ma suffer. Forever mahisa sa mga truly happy. Or basi depression lang ni ang akon subong. Triggers nga wala ga untat. Wala ga dula. Wala ga iban. Ga sige lang dugang. Hell. Tuod gid man na gali. Te ma ano ko subong kay ga suffer ko. Ipa utwas sa blog mayo na kay mayo ni ya mamati. Wala ga argue. Wala ga justify. Wala ga judge. Wala ga assume. Ga baton lang kag gapamati. I long for the day nga miskin kadali lang wala may ga judge sa akon. Pano man bi, even the very person for whom I laid down my life, amo pa ang pinaka una nga hobby nya ang mag judge sa akon. As for me, wala ko may nahimo sa iya nga sala. Galantaw ang langit. Sya ya, damo evidence. Damo buhi nga witness makahambal sang pinang himo nya. Funny. Pero ngaa sya pa ang wala gaka wad-an accusations against me. Perte ka pait nga klase pangabuhi ni ang akon. I wish I can just run away right now ang hide from the rest of the world. If my son is big enough, I will really do that. By then I will have enough money to go on a trip by myself and just disappear from all the rest of the world. I will go to a place nga wala may naka kilala sa akon. Ako lang. With myself. Kag magpakalinong kag mag enjoy sa life nga wala sang may naga judge.

kabudlay na mag salig liwat. every minute every second didto ko gabalik sa mga sakit nga nahimo nya. ako na ang pinaka praning. tanan gina suspetsahan ko. pero indi ko man ma express. kay violence man akon masugata. things are never the same. handurawon ko na lang ang times nga gina spoil mko kag makapagusto ko sinuplada. never na gid to guro magbalik. tanan gina kim kim ko. indi ko pwede ka express. subong kadamo lain nga thoughts. diin ka nag kadto. ngaa 9 hours indi ka ma contact. sino upod mo? na agyan ko sa hari nga 5 days indi sya ma contact kay gali lain nga sim card gamit nya. gina himo mo man na? sang nadakpan ta ka ga biga sa timbang, perte imo pa nami nami. pareho man sang pa buot buot mo subong. guilty ka? ano gin himo mo? gusto na ko mag ayo. gusto na ko kalimtan ang tanan. pero papano.

nahisa ko sa mga happy. nahisa ko sa mga may kwarta. nahisa ko sa mga gapagusto lang sa ila life kag happy man sila. nahisa ko sa mga gin kasal sa ila true love. nahisa ko sa may fairytale ending. nahisa ko sa mga gina palangga kag gina halungan kag gina spoil. nahisa ko sa mga gina palangga nga wala conditions. nahisa ko sa mga hapos lang ang ila life. amo na gid ko ni kalain? ngaa ari pa ko di wala man ko pulos. damo ga kontra sa akon. ang akon upod damo man ga kontra sa iya. ga ano pa ko di. ga ano pa kmi di. tani napatay na lang kmi. ngaa gin tagaan pa kmi mga bata. ngaa gin tagaan pa sya mga bata tapos gin kuha man lang sa iya. ngaa nagkitaay kmi nga duha gapatyanay man lang kmi kng ga upod kmi. tani wala na lang ko naka lab-ot sa amo ko ni nga dalan. tani mapatay na lang ko ga ano pa ko di.