Self Help for Trauma

Today I found myself searching through google for this key words: Self Help for Trauma. I think no one could ever understand right now the hell I keep going through each day. Everything that has happened in our home when he was still staying/living with us. The cocking of gun, the throwing of gun where my son and I were seated, the broken things at home, the banging of the wall and doors, the shouting, the threats. Countless times he would say he would kill me, he kept saying he can do that very easily, just one second and I'm gone. The countless times I would cry quietly so that my son will not hear it.

I wish one day soon he will read this. I wish he can pay attention and understand what it cost him, what it cost us. So many times I would say I did nothing wrong but he would be so very much convinced that I am a whore. If only there is a way. Maybe next year, when I will have all the money for our counselling. But right now, it looks impossible for me. How can I feel romantic with him when I have to go through all this in my head every day. Yet I know my situation is not impossible. No matter how difficult and painful it is, it is not impossible. A lot of women go through this and even worse than the situation where I am in.