I have to let you go

It's not easy being angry and hateful all the time. It takes up so much of my energy, affecting my capacity to connect with those I love. I am consumed by vengeance and bitterness because of what they have done to me. I never run out of reasons for being angry at them. There are times when I've got nothing else to do, and in an instant I remember them and start feeling hateful, and the rest of my day, week, weeks and even months, I spend it hating them. And I end up not achieving so much in my life. Right now, I am slowly realizing the damage it costs not only them, but us, me, him, my own son, his own children. Practically everybody. What if I let go of this anger? What if I reach out, ask for forgiveness and forgive them, too? I have tried imagining such reality and somehow I like it. Maybe it can work. Maybe we can try that one day. I want to be free, to be able to live my life happy and not causing anyone pain. I've caused them so much pain, even if I did not really intend it. Or maybe I did. Well, I did actually. Because I wanted her husband for myself alone. That, or never. I was willing to leave him to her. But he wouldn't want that. He said he'd die without me in his life. It was never ending chase. He wanted me. He would die without me. And that started our forever. Yes, this is going to be forever. While we're here, while we live. Death will bring us apart. Not even death I guess. He keeps asking God to let him be with me even when we reach heaven.

You see, there is nothing much you can do about it. So I guess we both have to try and accept things as they are. I cannot hate you forever. I do not want to be bound in such a spell or a curse if I may call it. It seems that you have your life going with someone head over heels for you. You should thank me for that. For a long time I prayed for God to send you someone who will love you truly madly deeply. And right now I realize I shouldn't be envious. Because I prayed for that to happen to you. I should be happy. Even if right now I am in the midst of my own suffering, I should hold myself and not get too affected by the kind of life you have already. You may not deserve that the way I see it for now but that should be enough for me to find relief. In that way you won't be bothering us anymore. I've experienced so much shame because of you. You have no idea what pain you caused me. But I can now let that go because you are free now and you will be starting your own journey to forever. May you be happy. I Wish you well. Please be happy. And everyday I will pray that one day soon, I can see you and ask for forgiveness personally. For now may this suffice. I am not completely free. I am still struggling. But I'm hoping to get there. Where you are. Free. Happy. Couldn't care less. May God have mercy on me and help me in this journey. The way that he has helped you.