This is my story

Why do I always have to look for a place where no one knows me. Why do I have to say things to myself only and not expect others to hear and understand. I'm forty now, I thought reaching this age would mean saying goodbye to those younger years when I was so full of angst, always misunderstood, always feeling empty and lonely. I feel funny starting this incognito blog where I can express anything without fearing that I will be judged. But I guess this is better than taking the risk of being misunderstand and criticized. I've done things in my life. Things that some people in my life are not happy about. I know I made mistakes. And I regret doing them. Had I known things would come to this, I wouldn't have fooled myself and choose to believe that I would get through it unscathed. What's even more terrible is that I've dragged my son along in the process. This page is going to be about the life story of an adulterer. This is not to gather sympathy, this is not to justify what I did in my life, but this is just simply for me to be able to let it all out and maybe for people to try and open their minds to the realities of life that not so many are brave enough to confront. I in the process am learning the same. I used to be so quick to judge. I hated mistresses with a passion. I helped friends go after their husband's mistress. I lived a fairly normal life. I was active in church, a youth leader, I was wholesome in many ways. I've had a fair number of suitors ever since I was in High school. But I vowed to myself I won't get into a relationship until I finished college. I was 24 when I first had a boyfriend. It was after about 5 months when we had our first kiss. Sex came roughly about a year after into the relationship. I would rather not look back into those days. I wasn't in love obviously. Because if I was it would be a bliss recalling those moments. Thing is, I was continually feeling lost. I wanted desperately to belong, to feel needed, to feel important. But that relationship only made me feel even worse. The rejection came in many forms. He wouldn't make an effort to call me often, come visit me, or take me out on a date. Our first date? I had to spend for it. I had to give the money to him so he would be the one to pay our restaurant dinner. Pathetic isn't it? Our first valentine's day together, I didn't receive any flower, no love letter, nothing. I made a compilation of poetry for him. I felt funny giving it to him. Almost embarrassed. I can go on and on talking about how that relationship sucked. Bottom line is, I wasn't at all happy. I just made myself believe that I was. But in reality it was a continual struggle to feel loved, desired, needed. Just imagine how worse it had become during marriage. Dry, sexless, boring marriage. At some point I wondered did I marry a gay? But then again I caught him one too many times flirting with other girls on the phone and thru the internet. That caused arguments, really ugly arguments.

So yeah, marriage was equally mundane and so full of hate. Talking about it now I feel this surge of self-pity. Why is it so easy for others to be happy? Why am I so unlucky with my choices? What did I do wrong? All through my life, all I can remember is that I always struggle to feel loved and accepted. I am not the type who push myself on someone, in fact I do not have any trouble fitting in. I am always popular in school. I joined and led several organizations back when I was in school. But the struggle is deep within. It's never obvious. I don't think anybody even noticed it. I was the type who was quiet, shy, but somehow excelled in whatever I did. I guess that made me attractive to boys.

Boys. Why do they always fall for strong women. Like me. And leave us to rot alone when all else fails. I have never come across a love story of a strong woman that ends in a happy note. I guess men, chauvinists bastards that they are, in the end resent the very quality that at first they find attractive in a woman. I am strong. Strong willed, determined, independent, intelligent, I can stand on my own. And in my failed relationship, it's being accused against me. I'm too strong. How ironic. Right now, how I wish I am that strong. I need that strength now. I'm in so much need of it.