The Long Wait

The Long Wait. That's what I call my journey now. For all of my life I live within the means. Never had the luxury of spending for what I want and like. I'm not poor compared to others of course I can still buy clothes shoes and bags if needed. IF NEEDED. How pathetic. Considering that I've always been very hardworking. I don't like sleeping long hours, I do not like bumming around on TV all day. It gives me headache. It makes me feel useless. You see, I have this energy of a millionaire. But staying in this job for two decades now have curtailed every capacity for some millions.

This is my last year in this office. A lot has happened to me in 18 years. Who would have thought that a simple, silent, level headed righteous young lad would end up become a mistress. (I still resent using that word because for me a mistress is someone who is maintained by a married man while still going home to his family.) I do not fit in that classification. He left her for too many reasons and that's not my problem anymore. At some point I became a mother to his two young children because the bitch mother left them out of the blue, went to Malaysia to be with her man. There were talks that she only went there because she's pregnant and she needed a place away so she can deliver her child. She was gone for only over a year, working permits/ visas usually requires two years stay in the place. Well, my being a mother to her kids was short lived, no matter how well I did. The moment she reappeared, the crown was hers again. And to add salt to my wounds, she is currently enjoying all the vindication. It's too painful for me to elaborate here, I am still actually quite confused how could that happen. I am still struggling to accept that. But come to think of it, the life she is living right now, that's answers to my prayers. For her. Yes, I prayed for her, I almost forgot that. I prayed for God to send her someone who would fall madly truly deeply for her and would make her happy. It seems that she found the one, giving her not just love but all the luxuries he can afford like a brand new latest model car. I am envious. I deserve that life, too. I am a good person. Taking her husband for myself is not entirely my fault, anyway. But well, who can I argue with? Only myself. Because no one would understand.

So now, I keep a stiff upper lip as I await my turn. I know it will happen. I just have to keep still and try not to complain too much, not to hate too much, not to watch them all the time and how happy they are with their lives. I have to keep myself disciplined and just stay still. The long wait will be over soon, before I know it. I go through this, day, after day, hour after hour. It will all be over soon.