Simple ma lang ang rason nga na suya ko last night. He offered to do the dishes. For a thousand times he did that, and never did any. It may sound petty. Hulugasan lang pinggan. But for me it's huge. I need to feel taken care of. I need to see him doing what he says all the time. If he really pities me kay pirmi ko kapoy kag wala ko pahuway, paano nya makayanan nga two straight days tulog kag indi man lang maka pinsar mang hugas pinggan para pag abot ko miskin papano makapahuway ko? Ambot kong ma intindihan nya pa na. Ambot kong may chance pa nga ma intindihan nya na. When I got up and did the dishes myself, again, for a thousand times I did that, wala man lang sya nag react. Wala na distorbo sa gina lantaw nya sa phone nya. It all looks so familiar. I got scared all of a sudden. Ari naman ta? Back to zero? Ma stay di sya sa balay, tulog inadlaw, kag pag bugtaw na sya, tungango sa internet? My God, indi na ko sang amo na nga kabuhi. Never will I allow myself and my son in that situation again. So nag panic ko. I didn't know what to do, what to say, ever since gin sugudan nya ko abuse, nadula na akon self-identity. I've become too afraid to ask for the things I want, to question, to clarify. So ang translation sini tanan is me looking stern, distant, bitchy even. And for someone like him nga may gina dala man, syempre indi manami. And since indi manami, he takes it all out on me. Singgitan, e threat, anything to keep me on the ground, by his feet, my life under his command. Kasubo nga kabuhi.Tapos daw sala ko pa kay gina pangita ko sya. In the first place daw gin klaro ko naman tanan, nga he can only come and visit, kag indi mag tulog sa balay. Sya ya ang sige text and ask if he can come. But now nga klaro na, nga kong mangita ko ya gali sa iya, para sa iya he has the permission na mag hari harian sa panimalay ko, then I will never do that ever again. Indi na ko mag text, mangamusta, mangita. Mahulat na lang ko kong asta san-o till he gets that healing nga gina hambal ya tinuig na. "Mapa-ayo ko anay," he said in one of his recent text messages. I guess hulaton ko na lang gid na.