Monday, September 27, 2010

I hate it whenever he tells me he’s up in the farm with the family. It sounds so exclusive. I just simply hate it. I become miserable. It contrasts how lonely I am. Come to think of it, it is because of falling in love with him that I have fallen out of love totally from my husband. But with him, it’s not as worse. He could still sleep in the same bed with his wife, make love with her. I am so full of resentment right now. And I hate myself for it.

Nevertheless I can still turn things around. I still have it in me. At least I want to believe so. I’m giving him a dose of his own medicine. I am not letting him see me for as long as I could hold it. I have to stop thinking about happy times in bed with him. I have to stop desiring him and wanting him. So that no matter how he desires me and wants me, I won’t be affected anymore. Why? It’s because of him, all because of him that I still cannot sleep with my husband. I have grown so estranged, so extremely estranged from my husband since we started our flame.

That night, when he looked at me straight in the eye and said he could run away with me, I want to consider it as just a dream. A faraway place. A faint twilight. It’s just adding insult to injury each time I remember it.

I have to start living again. Almost a year and so much has been robbed off me. Almost a year of emerging myself into a life of filth, sin, and deception. I have grown worst from worse.