There are times when I think I am not supposed to be with a man. Not married, for that matter. I look at myself and I see how such a difficult person I become when I’m angry or hurt. I thought I’ve found someone who would bear me anyway, that would mean understanding and accepting. But I forgot everybody has feelings. They get hurt, they get tired, they get discouraged. They reach their limit. And that’s what I am afraid about. That’s what discourages me from looking to a future and growing old with someone beside me.
Thing is, I am a pleaser. So I will bear everything, keep quiet, and just be there for someone I chose to love. My feistiness and anything that goes with it, are just defenses. Woman power. I always bear that in mind. Women rule. I always convince myself of its truth. But deep inside, I am scared of men. I am scared of displeasing them. I am scared that I will be hurt.
So being with someone sometimes makes me eternally confused about myself and what do I really want. If I am alone, I get angry all by myself. I get hurt, so I fend for myself. I get discouraged and so I cheer myself up. If I cannot then I simply can hole up and let time pass. No one will require me to be anything I should be.
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